Yet Another Transition

Transition. Ew. I hate it.

Don't get me wrong - I get fooled by the initial rush of excitement upon embarking on a new adventure, but then the honeymoon period wears off and reality creeps in … maybe I should say it hits you like a ton of bricks to the face just to be a bit more accurate!

I have moved a lot since being in college - something like 12 news places in 8 years and two of those moves being to new countries. However, this transition has been, by far, the most difficult. Now, don't think I'm sitting here miserable, weeping my eyes out, longing for the comfort of home (not that I feel connected to any particular place anymore - but rather to those I love dearly), that would be me about a month ago. Currently, I feel more emotionally steady and am adjusting to life BUT I'm still wrestling through this extended transitional period.

Reason I think this transition have been especially difficult:

1. Finality (I'm intentionally planning to stay here for a long time, if not indefinitely)
2. Lack of Expat Community (this is the first time I've lived somewhere where nobody fluently speaks my language, understands my culture, or gets my customs)
3. Isolation (this is the first time living outside of a city or place where I have the ability to walk around freely and safely)
4. Added Transition (so adding to a new language, culture, and location, I am also transitioning out of China and adding a new relationship into the mix - I like to call this the cocktail transition…What doesn't kill you makes you stronger…right?)

Anyways, I'm not trying to whine or complain. I know that the Lord was behind the decision to move and I am grateful to be in Brazil. Not only is it beautiful, the air is clean and the skies are blue (you can't even grasp this gift until you've lived in a city in China for an extended period of time), the people are welcoming, and the culture is rich.

I'm thankful to know that this is just a transition and things will change, but as of now, I feel a bit restless for it to end and for some things to settle. Ready for a little bit of normal (but I know then, I will get restless for a new adventure…oh the joys of a nomadic spirit!)

Despite the difficulty of this transition, I'm learning to be more thankful! I am able to be thankful when I can communicate with someone and it's understood, I'm thankful for people trying to learn some of my culture to help the transition. I'm thankful to learn a new meaning to leaning into Christ for support. I'm learning more about grace. I'm learning to be thankful for everyday things I tend to overlook: a place to stay, food to eat, clean air to breath, enough money to survive without work for the time being, and time to talk to my family and friends that were a bit neglected when I lived in China. So, despite the difficulty of the transition, it is proving to be fruitful! I'm just a bit tired of eating fruit and ready for something a bit more hearty!

Unpacking Life

            It is no secret that one of my favorite miracles in the Bible is the story of Lazarus. There is something deep within me that longs to see someone raised from the dead and not only that, but that the Lord would one day allow me to be a part of such a grand miracle. However, that is not the point of this post. Another reason I am so drawn to the story of Lazarus is because it shows the importance of community. Jesus didn’t unwrap the grave clothes which bore the mark of Lazarus’ former life, but instead tells those around him to help unbind this formally dead man. Isn’t this the purpose of life, to watch as Jesus reveals himself and brings to life what once was dead and in doing so, giving us the opportunity to partake in the renewal and freeing of these new creations? It is quite a blessing that a God, who created the universe, would graciously allow us to help others become free! This is constantly what I stress in my own life and in the lives of others around me: look for ways to help and do whatever is possible to help others become free of the stench from their former life.

Anyways, while riding the metro the other day, the Lord stretched me a bit farther in my understanding. As I stood there, riding along, I looked over to see this older man surrounded by his fully packed luggage. At first I wondered where he could be going and why he had so much luggage, of course I’m always wondering about people’s life stories, but then I began to wonder how on earth this thinner, older man, was going to possibly carry all of this luggage. As the metro slowed to a halt, I noticed that the gentleman was getting off at the same stop as myself and being the foreigner I am, naturally, I snapped a shot of him toting all of his luggage. I can’t even begin to express how impressed I was that he, in fact, was able to tote these bags on his own. While putting away my phone, I looked up to notice a large staircase ahead of us and my instinct was to go up to this man and help him carry this burdensome baggage up the stairs. After all,  aren’t we to look for ways to help relieve others burdens? I began to shove my phone into my bag a bit quicker and formulate a plan of how to communicate through gestures that I wanted to help, when I saw something quite amazing. The old man approached these two youthful men and spoke with them, I can only imagine that he was asking them to help, because all of sudden he shifted his baggage around and handed two of the bags over to these guys. This is when the Lord showed me something.

Often in life, I get caught up in helping others, focusing on solving other people’s problems and helping lighten their burdens when noticeable. But that in itself is what the Lord spoke to me about. There is this idea, at least where I grew up, that we must be independent. We must not let others see that we are in need of help, after all aren’t we suppose to be strong and have our lives together if we are truly living the Christian life? But, how many times does the Bible talk about asking for things and that there is healing when we share our burdens with others, even so much as confessing our sins to one another? How many times does it talk about not thinking highly of ourselves and that the last will be first? So, what is perpetuating this idea that we have to display ourselves as being together and un-needing of help? By not asking for help, can I go so far as to suggest, that we might even be preventing another from being able to receive the blessing that comes from helping others become free? This is where I saw the Lord showing me the other side of the coin. Not only must I help others, but I must also be willing to ask for help myself. The race is a brutal one, but well worth the run, however, we can’t do it alone, nor are we called to do so. I am learning to be more vulnerable, not just enough to make people feel I am vulnerable, but that terrifying, sharing my darkest wounds and actions, fully being open to possible rejection vulnerability. Now, being someone that hid behind walls until just recently, this is quite a fearsome place to be, but the freedom I have felt from just the small removal of some of these walls has been enough to know that the risk is worth the freedom. I am tired of not being free. I am tired of pretending like I don’t struggle with insecurities and sin. I am tired of acting like I don’t need others help and love. Now, I’m not suggesting that I should become a leech that drains the life out of others, but that I ask for help when I need it and that I am willing to allow others to help unbind me. I long to live in freedom and if that means I have to ask another to help carry part of my baggage than I am at the place where I am finally willing to do just that! I’m ready to live a life free of the grave clothes that tie me to my former self and walk into the new creation I have become! Thank the Lord for new ways of looking at situations! 

To Live with Outstretched Palms

With each blessing and opportunity presented to me, I eagerly jump to be a part of life. Somehow, I always find my schedule overflowing the brim of life and yet somehow I am always looking for more. There is this drive within me to want the most out of life, a restlessness that never ceases to seek newness and excitement, a yearning for adventure and heart. However, with this drive there is one major issue, I am a human and I need rest. Now, if you look at my life over the last few months, there can be an argument that we may not need as much rest as one may think, but don't let me life fool you, I am tired (and sneak 10 minutes naps in wherever possible). Now there are differing opinions about how much sleep we need, taking care of what we've been entrusted, and being wise with our time, and I'm not going to argue that these aren't valid points, but it's not really the point of this post. The point of this post is that I want everything that the Lord has in store for me!

Now, being more of an assertive personality, I tend to grab at opportunities assuming that if they are good, then they must be from the Lord. However, if this is true, then how come there are some many amazing opportunities and not enough daylight? A long time ago, in undergrad, I remember the Lord convicting me through a simple idea. Was I just doing Godly things or was I doing the things God asked me to do? OUCH. I don't know if you have ever been here, but imagine have a schedule where you literally have to pencil your friends in (limiting them to an hour because that's the largest block of time available), sleep less than 5 hours a night, and are being asked to add more to your plate. I'm not one to shy away from speaking my mind, so saying No is not the issue, but rather, I just want to do everything. I want to be a part of everything. I want to change the world and see it become a better place! BUT, if I am doing things, even if they are Godly, without God, then I've created an idol. OUCH AGAIN. and I'm operating out of my own strength, which as history has proved, will end in some sort of mangled wreckage. TANGLED OUCH. 

I don't know about you, but this feels like quite a dilemma to me. A life packed with many good, Godly things, but how do I discern what is of God and what I am choosing because I enjoy it, it makes me feel good, or for some other purpose? So, I stand there with arms stretched out in front of me, palms to the ceiling, with hands open. All I can do is surrender. Ask the Lord to take what is not His plan from my life. Now, I don't know if you have ever prayed this prayer and done this action, but it can be quite scary. What if He takes the thing you love the most? What if He takes everything? But you can't live in these what-ifs because what happens is you start standing with fists outstretched and a hardened heart. What good is it to do Godly things with a hardened heart? What will people see through your service? They will see effort, and exhaustion, and frustration. Then the question should be pondered, are these acts even Godly any more if God is no longer the motive? YIKES. 

So, daily I am learning to surrender. Palms outstretched, begging God to take what isn't from Him, and yearning to have a heart open to allow the Lord to direct my steps. To have a heart brave enough to walk into the path I am called. To have a heart humble enough to know God is wiser than I am. Even if it means sacrificing things I love and am invested in, I would rather grieve the loss than operate outside of God's plan. This is not because I don't believe God can get glory out of my circumstances and effort. I know that in all things God is able to get glory. However, I do this because I want to live the most impacting life possible, resting in the Lord, and walking on the path already laid out before me. I want His will above my will and to serve Him all the days of my life. I just pray that my heart will always listen to this yearning for God's will and that I will forever hold my palms out in surrender.

Serve Hymn by Andrew Peterson