Yet Another Transition

Transition. Ew. I hate it.

Don't get me wrong - I get fooled by the initial rush of excitement upon embarking on a new adventure, but then the honeymoon period wears off and reality creeps in … maybe I should say it hits you like a ton of bricks to the face just to be a bit more accurate!

I have moved a lot since being in college - something like 12 news places in 8 years and two of those moves being to new countries. However, this transition has been, by far, the most difficult. Now, don't think I'm sitting here miserable, weeping my eyes out, longing for the comfort of home (not that I feel connected to any particular place anymore - but rather to those I love dearly), that would be me about a month ago. Currently, I feel more emotionally steady and am adjusting to life BUT I'm still wrestling through this extended transitional period.

Reason I think this transition have been especially difficult:

1. Finality (I'm intentionally planning to stay here for a long time, if not indefinitely)
2. Lack of Expat Community (this is the first time I've lived somewhere where nobody fluently speaks my language, understands my culture, or gets my customs)
3. Isolation (this is the first time living outside of a city or place where I have the ability to walk around freely and safely)
4. Added Transition (so adding to a new language, culture, and location, I am also transitioning out of China and adding a new relationship into the mix - I like to call this the cocktail transition…What doesn't kill you makes you stronger…right?)

Anyways, I'm not trying to whine or complain. I know that the Lord was behind the decision to move and I am grateful to be in Brazil. Not only is it beautiful, the air is clean and the skies are blue (you can't even grasp this gift until you've lived in a city in China for an extended period of time), the people are welcoming, and the culture is rich.

I'm thankful to know that this is just a transition and things will change, but as of now, I feel a bit restless for it to end and for some things to settle. Ready for a little bit of normal (but I know then, I will get restless for a new adventure…oh the joys of a nomadic spirit!)

Despite the difficulty of this transition, I'm learning to be more thankful! I am able to be thankful when I can communicate with someone and it's understood, I'm thankful for people trying to learn some of my culture to help the transition. I'm thankful to learn a new meaning to leaning into Christ for support. I'm learning more about grace. I'm learning to be thankful for everyday things I tend to overlook: a place to stay, food to eat, clean air to breath, enough money to survive without work for the time being, and time to talk to my family and friends that were a bit neglected when I lived in China. So, despite the difficulty of the transition, it is proving to be fruitful! I'm just a bit tired of eating fruit and ready for something a bit more hearty!

Unpacking Life

            It is no secret that one of my favorite miracles in the Bible is the story of Lazarus. There is something deep within me that longs to see someone raised from the dead and not only that, but that the Lord would one day allow me to be a part of such a grand miracle. However, that is not the point of this post. Another reason I am so drawn to the story of Lazarus is because it shows the importance of community. Jesus didn’t unwrap the grave clothes which bore the mark of Lazarus’ former life, but instead tells those around him to help unbind this formally dead man. Isn’t this the purpose of life, to watch as Jesus reveals himself and brings to life what once was dead and in doing so, giving us the opportunity to partake in the renewal and freeing of these new creations? It is quite a blessing that a God, who created the universe, would graciously allow us to help others become free! This is constantly what I stress in my own life and in the lives of others around me: look for ways to help and do whatever is possible to help others become free of the stench from their former life.

Anyways, while riding the metro the other day, the Lord stretched me a bit farther in my understanding. As I stood there, riding along, I looked over to see this older man surrounded by his fully packed luggage. At first I wondered where he could be going and why he had so much luggage, of course I’m always wondering about people’s life stories, but then I began to wonder how on earth this thinner, older man, was going to possibly carry all of this luggage. As the metro slowed to a halt, I noticed that the gentleman was getting off at the same stop as myself and being the foreigner I am, naturally, I snapped a shot of him toting all of his luggage. I can’t even begin to express how impressed I was that he, in fact, was able to tote these bags on his own. While putting away my phone, I looked up to notice a large staircase ahead of us and my instinct was to go up to this man and help him carry this burdensome baggage up the stairs. After all,  aren’t we to look for ways to help relieve others burdens? I began to shove my phone into my bag a bit quicker and formulate a plan of how to communicate through gestures that I wanted to help, when I saw something quite amazing. The old man approached these two youthful men and spoke with them, I can only imagine that he was asking them to help, because all of sudden he shifted his baggage around and handed two of the bags over to these guys. This is when the Lord showed me something.

Often in life, I get caught up in helping others, focusing on solving other people’s problems and helping lighten their burdens when noticeable. But that in itself is what the Lord spoke to me about. There is this idea, at least where I grew up, that we must be independent. We must not let others see that we are in need of help, after all aren’t we suppose to be strong and have our lives together if we are truly living the Christian life? But, how many times does the Bible talk about asking for things and that there is healing when we share our burdens with others, even so much as confessing our sins to one another? How many times does it talk about not thinking highly of ourselves and that the last will be first? So, what is perpetuating this idea that we have to display ourselves as being together and un-needing of help? By not asking for help, can I go so far as to suggest, that we might even be preventing another from being able to receive the blessing that comes from helping others become free? This is where I saw the Lord showing me the other side of the coin. Not only must I help others, but I must also be willing to ask for help myself. The race is a brutal one, but well worth the run, however, we can’t do it alone, nor are we called to do so. I am learning to be more vulnerable, not just enough to make people feel I am vulnerable, but that terrifying, sharing my darkest wounds and actions, fully being open to possible rejection vulnerability. Now, being someone that hid behind walls until just recently, this is quite a fearsome place to be, but the freedom I have felt from just the small removal of some of these walls has been enough to know that the risk is worth the freedom. I am tired of not being free. I am tired of pretending like I don’t struggle with insecurities and sin. I am tired of acting like I don’t need others help and love. Now, I’m not suggesting that I should become a leech that drains the life out of others, but that I ask for help when I need it and that I am willing to allow others to help unbind me. I long to live in freedom and if that means I have to ask another to help carry part of my baggage than I am at the place where I am finally willing to do just that! I’m ready to live a life free of the grave clothes that tie me to my former self and walk into the new creation I have become! Thank the Lord for new ways of looking at situations! 

To Live with Outstretched Palms

With each blessing and opportunity presented to me, I eagerly jump to be a part of life. Somehow, I always find my schedule overflowing the brim of life and yet somehow I am always looking for more. There is this drive within me to want the most out of life, a restlessness that never ceases to seek newness and excitement, a yearning for adventure and heart. However, with this drive there is one major issue, I am a human and I need rest. Now, if you look at my life over the last few months, there can be an argument that we may not need as much rest as one may think, but don't let me life fool you, I am tired (and sneak 10 minutes naps in wherever possible). Now there are differing opinions about how much sleep we need, taking care of what we've been entrusted, and being wise with our time, and I'm not going to argue that these aren't valid points, but it's not really the point of this post. The point of this post is that I want everything that the Lord has in store for me!

Now, being more of an assertive personality, I tend to grab at opportunities assuming that if they are good, then they must be from the Lord. However, if this is true, then how come there are some many amazing opportunities and not enough daylight? A long time ago, in undergrad, I remember the Lord convicting me through a simple idea. Was I just doing Godly things or was I doing the things God asked me to do? OUCH. I don't know if you have ever been here, but imagine have a schedule where you literally have to pencil your friends in (limiting them to an hour because that's the largest block of time available), sleep less than 5 hours a night, and are being asked to add more to your plate. I'm not one to shy away from speaking my mind, so saying No is not the issue, but rather, I just want to do everything. I want to be a part of everything. I want to change the world and see it become a better place! BUT, if I am doing things, even if they are Godly, without God, then I've created an idol. OUCH AGAIN. and I'm operating out of my own strength, which as history has proved, will end in some sort of mangled wreckage. TANGLED OUCH. 

I don't know about you, but this feels like quite a dilemma to me. A life packed with many good, Godly things, but how do I discern what is of God and what I am choosing because I enjoy it, it makes me feel good, or for some other purpose? So, I stand there with arms stretched out in front of me, palms to the ceiling, with hands open. All I can do is surrender. Ask the Lord to take what is not His plan from my life. Now, I don't know if you have ever prayed this prayer and done this action, but it can be quite scary. What if He takes the thing you love the most? What if He takes everything? But you can't live in these what-ifs because what happens is you start standing with fists outstretched and a hardened heart. What good is it to do Godly things with a hardened heart? What will people see through your service? They will see effort, and exhaustion, and frustration. Then the question should be pondered, are these acts even Godly any more if God is no longer the motive? YIKES. 

So, daily I am learning to surrender. Palms outstretched, begging God to take what isn't from Him, and yearning to have a heart open to allow the Lord to direct my steps. To have a heart brave enough to walk into the path I am called. To have a heart humble enough to know God is wiser than I am. Even if it means sacrificing things I love and am invested in, I would rather grieve the loss than operate outside of God's plan. This is not because I don't believe God can get glory out of my circumstances and effort. I know that in all things God is able to get glory. However, I do this because I want to live the most impacting life possible, resting in the Lord, and walking on the path already laid out before me. I want His will above my will and to serve Him all the days of my life. I just pray that my heart will always listen to this yearning for God's will and that I will forever hold my palms out in surrender.

Serve Hymn by Andrew Peterson 

Newness

We live in a harsh world, in regards to expectations and societal pressures. We are constantly being told how we need to act, what we need to wear, who we should look like…etc, etc, etc. With the constant flow between media and reality, it can sometimes feel like a wave crashing down on you and you summersault across the ocean floor being a slave to the ever moving tide. Well, I do at least. But, the Lord makes all things new in His timing and this is the season of newness.

Through changing circumstances, including living situation, relationship status, economic status, etc., expectations and reality are always factors to consider. But what we often don't take into account is what we are bringing to the table. Our beliefs. Through the new stages, I'm learning that I'm sitting on a throne of lies (cue clip from "Elf" regarding Santa being a fraud reeking of meat and cheese). There are so many lies I've heard growing up, some deliberately spoken and others picked up due to circumstantial evidence (terminology nerd alert), but regardless of how I acquired them, they are there coloring my lenses, fogging my glasses, skewing my view, and any other way you would like to refer to the distortion of identity. However, God is not a passive God when it comes to sin (Romans 12:9-21 shouts loudly in my head). We are called to be free, new creations, and redeemed. God doesn't want us pounding ourselves to a pulp because we don't measure up to some fabricated image displayed wherever possible. He doesn't want us bashing ourselves when we can't be the superstar mom and wife, while running an extremely successful business, while canning our own food, and sewing our own clothes (not to bash if any of you out there are that amazing! More power to you!). God wants us to have a new identity. After all, we have been adopted into the family and are now heirs of the throne.

Now for those of you extreme black and white thinkers, such as myself, this doesn't mean we run to the other end of the world and act like we are the best thing since sliced bread (who deemed that as the most pivotal moment in time?). We need to know our identity, walk in humility, and whenever a lie is exposed REBUKE THAT MESS! Seriously, get that junk out of you in the name of Jesus and shut that door behind you. Now, some of you may have just stopped reading because I went a bit Charismatic on you, but for your sake and freedom, I hope that your curiosity, or need of completion, will compel you to carry on with the post.

We all have baggage! Not one of us is above it. We live in a fallen world, where bitterness loves company, complaining is the norm, and criticism/comparison are the oil that keeps this messed up machine operating. Not one of us has gone unscathed by society and I've noticed the cleaner you look on the outside, often the more jacked up you are on the inside. Afterall, if people don't notice your mess does it really need to be acknowledged? YES! Do you know why? Because if people don't notice the mess, it's still there and it's affecting you. Who cares if others notice or not, doesn't it matter that you know it's there? Don't you have enough worth in yourself to care whether your identity is truly yours or just what you've been taught? ok.ok. Let me step down from this mighty high box I've climbed up on.

Now, some of you might be crying because your toes just got stepped on (hopefully not nearly as painful as a toe stub, but nevertheless uncomfortable), but just know, as I stated earlier, NOBODY goes unscathed. I'm just as messed up, broken, full of lies and distortions, and needing an identity check as my fellow neighbor (probably even more so, but I'm going to boost my ego a bit and put us equal for the time being because I don't want to steal the underdog vote). The only thing that may be different is that I am tired of living in lies. I'm tired of having excuses to fall back on, people to blame, fears to comfort my lack of commitment, and having a plan B. Seriously, I want to live wide open.

Well, that is until I started. Let me tell you something, dealing with the baggage and letting go of all the things that can be used as safety nets is one of the most terrifying, and freeing, experiences that I daily walking through (note that I am using a gerund here because it is a continual process that will probably take a lifetime to achieve, especially knowing how much power I've given to the lies over the years). There are many days I want to run back to my lies, cozy up and just take a nap (not equating naps to sin) and many days I want to be able to shift the blame for my miscommunication, lateness, insensitivity, or any other failing I may have exhibited. However, there is this little fire deep within my soul, that was placed there by the Lord, that tells me it's worth the fight. It's worth being uncomfortable when you know your conscious is clear. It's worth knowing that if someone bashes you, your identity is not changed. It's worth knowing that who I am, even if I'm weird or awkward, is me; not societies version of me, not my families version of me, not my cliques version of me, but me in raw form. Now, part of me wants to rebuke that it's easier to be rejected for who you aren't than for who you are, and I can totally understand that, but I will retaliate to that thought (I sound like a crazy person by this point) with this response: Do you really want to look back, satisfied because your true identity has never been critiqued or tarnished with rejection, and realize that the same identity was never really loved or accepted? The good comes with the bad and the bad comes with the good. Just like love, it's better to love openly and risk being broken then to live in a hollow shell and never truly experience love. Well, at least in my opinion, but who am I but one voice in this mixed up world. Why not look within and see what you think.

friendships. encouragement. perseverance.

Finally! I feel myself coming out of the fog of homesickness and am finally putting down roots….it's only taken two months. I know that through this difficult transition time, and those to come, there is a need for encouragement and knowledge that people care and are lifting you up daily to the father. I have begun to invest in friendships here and am grateful for the opportunity to have meet so many new people over the past few months. I really love the staff I work with and even some others I've met. I have had the chance to become friends with a couple nationals, which is where my heart is, and it has been really amazing to see how our paths have woven together at such a time to pour into their lives, be poured into, and learn in the process about differing cultures, traditions, and languages. 

Something encouraging happened this past week. I was having a hard time with really bad allergies and being sick, so naturally I sent out a million texts/messages for people to be lifting me up and for healing. One girl texted me back and told me that I had been placed heavily on her heart the day before and she had been praying for me deeply for freedom though she wasn't sure what I was going through. Then, another girl, my sister's former roommate from nearly a decade ago, sent me a message saying she had a dream that I was miserable and homesick and wanted to see if that was true and if she could be praying for me. Wow! I haven't talked to her in over 8 years, if not 10! Then, this same girl mentioned it to her bible study group and one lady contacted me via facebook and sent a long letter about how God had told her to encourage me. She sent scriptures, is praying on my behalf daily, and she has never met me. 

My heart is so encouraged to know that the one I've sacrificed for has gone before me. He knows that the battle is heavy and that there is a darkness that at times I neglect to remember and that he has placed watchmen on the towers to fight when I can't. Wow, I serve such a magnificent God! 

I need to remember what the point of all of this is, why I left everything dear, sold/donated nearly all of my possessions, and flew to the other side of the world. I need to remember to prioritize my time and dedicate time to the one who calls me daughter, beloved, princess, and chosen. 

Abundant Joy

I was blessed with the opportunity to go to a conference this past week. I remember a time when I would gripe and complain about my time being wasted and having to sit around for long hours listening to someone blab on about something I cared nothing about… can you tell the Lord has also been working on my attitude over the last couple of years?  

Anyway, I really enjoy conferences now and have learned that I can meet a lot of amazing people, learn a lot of good things if I choose my sessions well, and typically get a free vacation in a new city in the process. Well, I've been to Beijing before, but still. 

I was looking forward to learning many new things about teaching and interacting with the culture around me, but honestly, my heart was longing for something much more. I wanted depth, needed it in fact, and the Lord provided abundantly, as usual. 

I remember walking into the first large group event, late like usual, to hear worship being sung. Now, I come from a background of church experiences, where contemporary music is the norm, and likely the newest artists were the beacons of light to be followed. So when I moved to China, I was no longer engulfed by favorites, but rather thrown back in time to songs I sang in my middle schools days. I'm not making fun of the music or trying to put it down, but being someone who's heart is always singing praise, it was a bit of a transition. All I could do was stand there and praise the one who went before me and ironically, in the praise/prayer, missed part of the singing portion, but that's not what worship is solely about anyway. It was awesome to see hands raised, hearts abandoned, and a unity of like minded souls surrendering their lives to the one they call King. I cried out of gratefulness. I could feel the Spirit washing over me, telling me I was loved and adored, and that He knows what I need. 

Afterwards, a stateside visitor came to speak to the group regarding truth and life. He was given a specific passage to teach on. In the middle of the talk, the leader switched gears and transitioned into a new passage and my heart leapt for joy. My life verses…seriously. Romans 12:9-21 were being discussed and I could hear myself audibly agreeing with the teacher after nearly every statement. 

Love is genuine. AMEN

Do not be slothful in zeal. AMEN

Rejoice in hope AMEN

Patient in tribulation AMEN

Constant in prayer AMEN AMEN AMEN

Whew. Talk about being dunked in a pool. I was no longer being washed by the Spirit, but I was being completely immersed. Tears of thankfulness, renewal, and reflection ran down my cheeks. I had become so weary from the grief of transition and occupied by the distractions of life that I had forgotten about zeal and hope. I relied on talking to friends instead of talking to God. Not to mention that I was quick to gripe rather than live in patience. As I sat there, questions kept coming to my mind:

Why am I here in China?

When did my salvation become ordinary?

Have I forgotten my first love?

Where has my zeal gone? 

I remember writing down prayers like steps being directed and a renewed vision. It was a time of repentance and rejuvenation, as well as a time of filling. I sat there, listening to the words of the speaker but something much greater was happening. My heart was beating to an old familiar rhythm. The color was slowly returning to my life. I remembered why I was here and that in the process of this thing called life, I was reminded that our obligations and every day tasks are not meant to steal our joy or be just something to do. Rather, in all things and at all times we are representing what we believe. We are being the light that is so desperately needed and as an act of gratefulness and worship, we should live every aspect, even the things we may not see the purpose in, in excellence. Amen?

Orphanage Trip

This morning, I was able to go an visit a local orphanage. Well, it wasn't too local, but rather about an hour outside of the city. However, I was glad that I went.

After hearing different rumors, stories, and seeing peoples reactions that have gone to the orphanages around these areas, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. In all honesty, I thought the place would be dirty and smelly. It was neither of these things.

The building was in good repair, relatively new to the naked eye, and the children seemed to be in good spirits. I didn't quite know where to go, considering all the kids, but decided to start in the nursery. Can we talk about cute overload? The babies were so precious and cuddly. I was sad that I didn't speak Mandarin, but I spoke to them anyways, shook rattles with them, and will be praying that they will be adopted soon enough. I couldn't believe how small one of the babies was. It had only been there two days and looked to be nearly a brand new newborn!

After the babies, I followed a friend into a different room. The room consisted of 4 children who were bed-ridden. Most of the children have special needs, and these were extreme cases. One of the children was born without eyes, another seemed to struggle with his breathing, and all were unable to speak. I usually am a little put-off by severe special needs…not because I am judging them, but rather because I don't really know how to respond and am a little nervous about the unpredictability in their responses/actions. However, I stayed in there the remainder of the time and just sang to them. Another person that came with us, joined in with a guitar and it was very sweet. Of course I prayed for them and sang them 'this little light of mine' and I hope that even though they weren' table to fully respond, that they knew they were loved and cared for.

Having the heart and dream to start orphanage/schools one day, it is always good to see how they are successfully run. I never really took into consideration the possibility of special needs children needing care as well, but it seems to be very needed, at least in this particular orphanage.

Though the orphanage is different than one I would like to run, I am grateful to have seen it, met the sweet children, and plan on returning (hopefully on a regular basis) to establish a relationship with the children and staff. Yet another reason to work hard on my mandarin lessons :)