How are we to couple these two ideas? So often, obedience is regarded with the lenses of obligation rather than joy. I have come to realize this in recent days. I obey my calling because I believe in the one who called me, but sometimes I am merely operating out of pure obedience. Please don't misinterpret this as a post again obedience. As children, and heirs, I am called to obey the one in whom I serve, but obedience is much more than an action. Well, intellectually I understand this, but often I forget that true obedience is heart of surrender and joy, it's more than just a choice or an action, but rather a willingness (or at least it should be). Where has my heart gone? How did I become this person that loves what I believe and wants to continually go deeper, but has lost the excitement knowing I am guided/directed by the same one that stood in my place, sacrificing their own life, that I might know truth and freedom?
So, let me rewind and give you a little backstory to the present time. I moved to SC for education purposes and didn't quite love it for some time. I wasn't used to living and dwelling amongst all those that believed the same as myself (which I thought might have been pretty cool) only to realize that amongst this crowd I felt more like the black sheep than part of the flock (this changed a bit as time passed and I began to allow myself to be vulnerable). To be perfectly honest, some fellowships are a bit stifling for the soul, but that is another day and another topic.
Anyways… my heart has always been to live overseas. There were days that I was so restless that I would cry out for countless hours to be sent. A cry of desperation, frustration, and honestly annoyance. Why am I still in the states? Why am I not being sent? Why is my time being wasted? Aren't the laborers few? I couldn't understand what was taking so long and why my debt was continually piling up in the process.
Well, the same thing is quickly surfacing here. I am literally living my dream to dwell in another country, learn the language and culture, and befriend those from the country. But in the process, I've found myself comparing my circumstances. Now, I know I have an awesome job, and amazing group to work with, impressively compassionate and supportive leadership, not to mention a great view :) But, there has been what seemed like a restlessness bubbling to the surface, closer with each day, brinking on the point of boiling over for the last week or so. Why am I teaching such young kids? Why don't my kinds know the basics? Why am I wasting my life repeating the endless letter sounds with aggravating repetition? I know I am called to live in China, I know I am called to work while I work, I know I am to have a joy deep within my heart, and yet I wrestled, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.
It wasn't until last night that I realized that it isn't my position that I'm unsatisfied with (don't get me wrong - an amazing 3rd grade classroom like at my prior school would be quickly welcomed) but rather the fact that I am sad. I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss my fellowship and friends. I desperately want to reach out an hug those I love most, with a tear streaked face to be amongst those that know me (all the sorrow, broken and healed areas, my struggles and failings, and my biggest dreams) where I can just sit and my soul rests because we are past the foundation stage of friendship. I would give nearly anything to be laying on my bed, giggling with my mom and sister about some ridiculous pin on pinterest. And with each deepening longing, I began to hear my self explaining that I am here out of obedience to what I was told to do. FALSE…well, true, but that is not the whole truth.
Yes, I was told to come to China. I know with my whole heart that this is where I am suppose to be and that I will more than likely be here for an extended time. But, I also have forgotten that I am given the opportunity to live my dreams (how often does that happen). I get to make a difference in the lives of these young impressionable minds, and I get paid to do it. What was really sadness and a longing for those I love most dearly, was outletting itself as discontentment and quite frankly complaining.
Well, lucky for me, I serve a father who's desire is to pull me out of where I am and see life through a difference pair of lenses. I picked up my Bible and started to read where I had left off : Numbers. The story was about the Israelites that had been freed from slavery and though their needs were being met daily, they were discontent because it was seemingly neverending and uncomfortable. hmmm…am I complaining? Am I just like these Israelites?
Well, not too long after that, I went to a meeting for work and sure enough the service was about the exact same passage. Ok Ok … maybe just a coincidence, right? WRONG
If I remember correctly, i also encountered it another place, but the message was clear. Here I am with all my needs met and here I am complaining that things look different than in America and that i am only teaching out of obedience. However, this isn't the case. Some days I truly love being a teacher and others, I wonder what my true calling is.
As for now, I am called to teach first grade. I can be a light and a beacon for those lost at seas. Also, I need to spend time in the word more and less on small things (like reaching the next level. I am grateful that though my heart isn't always into the decision, that my life appears to be one of obedience, however, I will be asking that my heart catches up with my heart. I will continue to draw close to my father and seek his guidance in all I do.
Today, was the first day of joy in what seems like forever, where the veil of distraction has been lifted to reveal my misplaced frustration. God is always faithful, even when I'm not. And I'm grateful for the start of what i hope to be a Spirit of complete surrender and praise.
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