We live in a harsh world, in regards to expectations and societal pressures. We are constantly being told how we need to act, what we need to wear, who we should look like…etc, etc, etc. With the constant flow between media and reality, it can sometimes feel like a wave crashing down on you and you summersault across the ocean floor being a slave to the ever moving tide. Well, I do at least. But, the Lord makes all things new in His timing and this is the season of newness.
Through changing circumstances, including living situation, relationship status, economic status, etc., expectations and reality are always factors to consider. But what we often don't take into account is what we are bringing to the table. Our beliefs. Through the new stages, I'm learning that I'm sitting on a throne of lies (cue clip from "Elf" regarding Santa being a fraud reeking of meat and cheese). There are so many lies I've heard growing up, some deliberately spoken and others picked up due to circumstantial evidence (terminology nerd alert), but regardless of how I acquired them, they are there coloring my lenses, fogging my glasses, skewing my view, and any other way you would like to refer to the distortion of identity. However, God is not a passive God when it comes to sin (Romans 12:9-21 shouts loudly in my head). We are called to be free, new creations, and redeemed. God doesn't want us pounding ourselves to a pulp because we don't measure up to some fabricated image displayed wherever possible. He doesn't want us bashing ourselves when we can't be the superstar mom and wife, while running an extremely successful business, while canning our own food, and sewing our own clothes (not to bash if any of you out there are that amazing! More power to you!). God wants us to have a new identity. After all, we have been adopted into the family and are now heirs of the throne.
Now for those of you extreme black and white thinkers, such as myself, this doesn't mean we run to the other end of the world and act like we are the best thing since sliced bread (who deemed that as the most pivotal moment in time?). We need to know our identity, walk in humility, and whenever a lie is exposed REBUKE THAT MESS! Seriously, get that junk out of you in the name of Jesus and shut that door behind you. Now, some of you may have just stopped reading because I went a bit Charismatic on you, but for your sake and freedom, I hope that your curiosity, or need of completion, will compel you to carry on with the post.
We all have baggage! Not one of us is above it. We live in a fallen world, where bitterness loves company, complaining is the norm, and criticism/comparison are the oil that keeps this messed up machine operating. Not one of us has gone unscathed by society and I've noticed the cleaner you look on the outside, often the more jacked up you are on the inside. Afterall, if people don't notice your mess does it really need to be acknowledged? YES! Do you know why? Because if people don't notice the mess, it's still there and it's affecting you. Who cares if others notice or not, doesn't it matter that you know it's there? Don't you have enough worth in yourself to care whether your identity is truly yours or just what you've been taught? ok.ok. Let me step down from this mighty high box I've climbed up on.
Now, some of you might be crying because your toes just got stepped on (hopefully not nearly as painful as a toe stub, but nevertheless uncomfortable), but just know, as I stated earlier, NOBODY goes unscathed. I'm just as messed up, broken, full of lies and distortions, and needing an identity check as my fellow neighbor (probably even more so, but I'm going to boost my ego a bit and put us equal for the time being because I don't want to steal the underdog vote). The only thing that may be different is that I am tired of living in lies. I'm tired of having excuses to fall back on, people to blame, fears to comfort my lack of commitment, and having a plan B. Seriously, I want to live wide open.
Well, that is until I started. Let me tell you something, dealing with the baggage and letting go of all the things that can be used as safety nets is one of the most terrifying, and freeing, experiences that I daily walking through (note that I am using a gerund here because it is a continual process that will probably take a lifetime to achieve, especially knowing how much power I've given to the lies over the years). There are many days I want to run back to my lies, cozy up and just take a nap (not equating naps to sin) and many days I want to be able to shift the blame for my miscommunication, lateness, insensitivity, or any other failing I may have exhibited. However, there is this little fire deep within my soul, that was placed there by the Lord, that tells me it's worth the fight. It's worth being uncomfortable when you know your conscious is clear. It's worth knowing that if someone bashes you, your identity is not changed. It's worth knowing that who I am, even if I'm weird or awkward, is me; not societies version of me, not my families version of me, not my cliques version of me, but me in raw form. Now, part of me wants to rebuke that it's easier to be rejected for who you aren't than for who you are, and I can totally understand that, but I will retaliate to that thought (I sound like a crazy person by this point) with this response: Do you really want to look back, satisfied because your true identity has never been critiqued or tarnished with rejection, and realize that the same identity was never really loved or accepted? The good comes with the bad and the bad comes with the good. Just like love, it's better to love openly and risk being broken then to live in a hollow shell and never truly experience love. Well, at least in my opinion, but who am I but one voice in this mixed up world. Why not look within and see what you think.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
friendships. encouragement. perseverance.
Finally! I feel myself coming out of the fog of homesickness and am finally putting down roots….it's only taken two months. I know that through this difficult transition time, and those to come, there is a need for encouragement and knowledge that people care and are lifting you up daily to the father. I have begun to invest in friendships here and am grateful for the opportunity to have meet so many new people over the past few months. I really love the staff I work with and even some others I've met. I have had the chance to become friends with a couple nationals, which is where my heart is, and it has been really amazing to see how our paths have woven together at such a time to pour into their lives, be poured into, and learn in the process about differing cultures, traditions, and languages.
Something encouraging happened this past week. I was having a hard time with really bad allergies and being sick, so naturally I sent out a million texts/messages for people to be lifting me up and for healing. One girl texted me back and told me that I had been placed heavily on her heart the day before and she had been praying for me deeply for freedom though she wasn't sure what I was going through. Then, another girl, my sister's former roommate from nearly a decade ago, sent me a message saying she had a dream that I was miserable and homesick and wanted to see if that was true and if she could be praying for me. Wow! I haven't talked to her in over 8 years, if not 10! Then, this same girl mentioned it to her bible study group and one lady contacted me via facebook and sent a long letter about how God had told her to encourage me. She sent scriptures, is praying on my behalf daily, and she has never met me.
My heart is so encouraged to know that the one I've sacrificed for has gone before me. He knows that the battle is heavy and that there is a darkness that at times I neglect to remember and that he has placed watchmen on the towers to fight when I can't. Wow, I serve such a magnificent God!
I need to remember what the point of all of this is, why I left everything dear, sold/donated nearly all of my possessions, and flew to the other side of the world. I need to remember to prioritize my time and dedicate time to the one who calls me daughter, beloved, princess, and chosen.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Abundant Joy
I was blessed with the opportunity to go to a conference this past week. I remember a time when I would gripe and complain about my time being wasted and having to sit around for long hours listening to someone blab on about something I cared nothing about… can you tell the Lord has also been working on my attitude over the last couple of years?
Anyway, I really enjoy conferences now and have learned that I can meet a lot of amazing people, learn a lot of good things if I choose my sessions well, and typically get a free vacation in a new city in the process. Well, I've been to Beijing before, but still.
I was looking forward to learning many new things about teaching and interacting with the culture around me, but honestly, my heart was longing for something much more. I wanted depth, needed it in fact, and the Lord provided abundantly, as usual.
I remember walking into the first large group event, late like usual, to hear worship being sung. Now, I come from a background of church experiences, where contemporary music is the norm, and likely the newest artists were the beacons of light to be followed. So when I moved to China, I was no longer engulfed by favorites, but rather thrown back in time to songs I sang in my middle schools days. I'm not making fun of the music or trying to put it down, but being someone who's heart is always singing praise, it was a bit of a transition. All I could do was stand there and praise the one who went before me and ironically, in the praise/prayer, missed part of the singing portion, but that's not what worship is solely about anyway. It was awesome to see hands raised, hearts abandoned, and a unity of like minded souls surrendering their lives to the one they call King. I cried out of gratefulness. I could feel the Spirit washing over me, telling me I was loved and adored, and that He knows what I need.
Afterwards, a stateside visitor came to speak to the group regarding truth and life. He was given a specific passage to teach on. In the middle of the talk, the leader switched gears and transitioned into a new passage and my heart leapt for joy. My life verses…seriously. Romans 12:9-21 were being discussed and I could hear myself audibly agreeing with the teacher after nearly every statement.
Love is genuine. AMEN
Do not be slothful in zeal. AMEN
Rejoice in hope AMEN
Patient in tribulation AMEN
Constant in prayer AMEN AMEN AMEN
Whew. Talk about being dunked in a pool. I was no longer being washed by the Spirit, but I was being completely immersed. Tears of thankfulness, renewal, and reflection ran down my cheeks. I had become so weary from the grief of transition and occupied by the distractions of life that I had forgotten about zeal and hope. I relied on talking to friends instead of talking to God. Not to mention that I was quick to gripe rather than live in patience. As I sat there, questions kept coming to my mind:
Why am I here in China?
When did my salvation become ordinary?
Have I forgotten my first love?
Where has my zeal gone?
I remember writing down prayers like steps being directed and a renewed vision. It was a time of repentance and rejuvenation, as well as a time of filling. I sat there, listening to the words of the speaker but something much greater was happening. My heart was beating to an old familiar rhythm. The color was slowly returning to my life. I remembered why I was here and that in the process of this thing called life, I was reminded that our obligations and every day tasks are not meant to steal our joy or be just something to do. Rather, in all things and at all times we are representing what we believe. We are being the light that is so desperately needed and as an act of gratefulness and worship, we should live every aspect, even the things we may not see the purpose in, in excellence. Amen?
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Orphanage Trip
This morning, I was able to go an visit a local orphanage. Well, it wasn't too local, but rather about an hour outside of the city. However, I was glad that I went.
After hearing different rumors, stories, and seeing peoples reactions that have gone to the orphanages around these areas, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. In all honesty, I thought the place would be dirty and smelly. It was neither of these things.
The building was in good repair, relatively new to the naked eye, and the children seemed to be in good spirits. I didn't quite know where to go, considering all the kids, but decided to start in the nursery. Can we talk about cute overload? The babies were so precious and cuddly. I was sad that I didn't speak Mandarin, but I spoke to them anyways, shook rattles with them, and will be praying that they will be adopted soon enough. I couldn't believe how small one of the babies was. It had only been there two days and looked to be nearly a brand new newborn!
After the babies, I followed a friend into a different room. The room consisted of 4 children who were bed-ridden. Most of the children have special needs, and these were extreme cases. One of the children was born without eyes, another seemed to struggle with his breathing, and all were unable to speak. I usually am a little put-off by severe special needs…not because I am judging them, but rather because I don't really know how to respond and am a little nervous about the unpredictability in their responses/actions. However, I stayed in there the remainder of the time and just sang to them. Another person that came with us, joined in with a guitar and it was very sweet. Of course I prayed for them and sang them 'this little light of mine' and I hope that even though they weren' table to fully respond, that they knew they were loved and cared for.
Having the heart and dream to start orphanage/schools one day, it is always good to see how they are successfully run. I never really took into consideration the possibility of special needs children needing care as well, but it seems to be very needed, at least in this particular orphanage.
Though the orphanage is different than one I would like to run, I am grateful to have seen it, met the sweet children, and plan on returning (hopefully on a regular basis) to establish a relationship with the children and staff. Yet another reason to work hard on my mandarin lessons :)
After hearing different rumors, stories, and seeing peoples reactions that have gone to the orphanages around these areas, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. In all honesty, I thought the place would be dirty and smelly. It was neither of these things.
The building was in good repair, relatively new to the naked eye, and the children seemed to be in good spirits. I didn't quite know where to go, considering all the kids, but decided to start in the nursery. Can we talk about cute overload? The babies were so precious and cuddly. I was sad that I didn't speak Mandarin, but I spoke to them anyways, shook rattles with them, and will be praying that they will be adopted soon enough. I couldn't believe how small one of the babies was. It had only been there two days and looked to be nearly a brand new newborn!
After the babies, I followed a friend into a different room. The room consisted of 4 children who were bed-ridden. Most of the children have special needs, and these were extreme cases. One of the children was born without eyes, another seemed to struggle with his breathing, and all were unable to speak. I usually am a little put-off by severe special needs…not because I am judging them, but rather because I don't really know how to respond and am a little nervous about the unpredictability in their responses/actions. However, I stayed in there the remainder of the time and just sang to them. Another person that came with us, joined in with a guitar and it was very sweet. Of course I prayed for them and sang them 'this little light of mine' and I hope that even though they weren' table to fully respond, that they knew they were loved and cared for.
Having the heart and dream to start orphanage/schools one day, it is always good to see how they are successfully run. I never really took into consideration the possibility of special needs children needing care as well, but it seems to be very needed, at least in this particular orphanage.
Though the orphanage is different than one I would like to run, I am grateful to have seen it, met the sweet children, and plan on returning (hopefully on a regular basis) to establish a relationship with the children and staff. Yet another reason to work hard on my mandarin lessons :)
A Full Heart
Today has been the most encouraging day here. Honestly, I needed a day like today! Having been sick for the last week, while at the same time hitting the "what am I still doing in here" portion of my transition, I have been a bit on the weary side. I adore living in China and I know it's where I am called, it's just part of that transition that makes you want to say, "Really?" nearly every 5 seconds because the culture that runs through your veins is colliding with a new culture in which I've been emmersed. And by 'collided', of course I really am referring to that horrific traffic accident that you know you really shouldn't look at when you drive by, but it's so horrific you just can't tear your eyes away, so naturally you drive 2 miles per hour just to get the full scenic perspective creating a domino effect of endless, rage-enducing traffic. Ok, this MAY be an exaggeration, but you get the idea.
As my two cultures are colliding causing the earthquake of my century, I feel miserably sick and I don't care who you are, when you are sick all you want is something familiar that feels like home and then on top of that, my birthday is creeping closer and closer, reminding me that I will not be sharing it with those I love the most.
Ok Ok enough of the whining right? Well, seriously, I don't think I have felt more loved and appreciated like I did today. Being someone who doesn't receive love well (I am learning!), words and gifts are the easiest ways to lift my spirit (hint hint … haha only kidding…kinda ;) ) Having only been here a little over a month, I didn't expect much in regards to my birthday, plus who really knows me enough to get me gifts that even speak to who I am. Well, I was wrong. Throughout the entire day, I was handed notes of encouragement, words of wisdom, tokens of joy and cuteness, and little things that said I was thought of and appreciated. It really was quite overwhelming (in a good and humbling way). And if I never hear the birthday song again, I wouldn't miss it ;)
Anyways, I know that today was a day of abundant encouragement. I know that though the people I am around were the vessels used to display that love, in the end I believe that everything today was a way to encourage my soul and remind me of why I came here in the first place. That even when everything is shift and nothing is normal, I can stand and rest on the rock of my salvation who will always love me with an unwavering love and will never leave me (even if my circumstances might suggest otherwise). Thankful for the reminder and a chance to see the body love well.
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Tonight, I was also thrown a celebratory party where I was able to select the theme and what better than 'saying goodbye to the 20s in the 20s'? Not only was it nice to see all those that came out (and after a long work week for most), but it was also awesome to see how many people were willing to join in my love of themed parties and dress out for the occasion! Plus, a friend remembered that I mentioned wanting to try rabbit and ended up giving me one (already cooked) as my birthday gift (probably the most hilarious, unexpected, and most memorable gifts I will ever get). Not only was it a shock to the party planning crew when I asked for a plate to display my new gift, but it was also a great talking point of the night. And it was delicious! Here's to a new decade of life!
(p.s. both of the pictures eating rabbit are staged and nobody ate the rabbit after these pictures…however, I love how ridiculous the picture on the right is)
As my two cultures are colliding causing the earthquake of my century, I feel miserably sick and I don't care who you are, when you are sick all you want is something familiar that feels like home and then on top of that, my birthday is creeping closer and closer, reminding me that I will not be sharing it with those I love the most.
Ok Ok enough of the whining right? Well, seriously, I don't think I have felt more loved and appreciated like I did today. Being someone who doesn't receive love well (I am learning!), words and gifts are the easiest ways to lift my spirit (hint hint … haha only kidding…kinda ;) ) Having only been here a little over a month, I didn't expect much in regards to my birthday, plus who really knows me enough to get me gifts that even speak to who I am. Well, I was wrong. Throughout the entire day, I was handed notes of encouragement, words of wisdom, tokens of joy and cuteness, and little things that said I was thought of and appreciated. It really was quite overwhelming (in a good and humbling way). And if I never hear the birthday song again, I wouldn't miss it ;)Anyways, I know that today was a day of abundant encouragement. I know that though the people I am around were the vessels used to display that love, in the end I believe that everything today was a way to encourage my soul and remind me of why I came here in the first place. That even when everything is shift and nothing is normal, I can stand and rest on the rock of my salvation who will always love me with an unwavering love and will never leave me (even if my circumstances might suggest otherwise). Thankful for the reminder and a chance to see the body love well.
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Tonight, I was also thrown a celebratory party where I was able to select the theme and what better than 'saying goodbye to the 20s in the 20s'? Not only was it nice to see all those that came out (and after a long work week for most), but it was also awesome to see how many people were willing to join in my love of themed parties and dress out for the occasion! Plus, a friend remembered that I mentioned wanting to try rabbit and ended up giving me one (already cooked) as my birthday gift (probably the most hilarious, unexpected, and most memorable gifts I will ever get). Not only was it a shock to the party planning crew when I asked for a plate to display my new gift, but it was also a great talking point of the night. And it was delicious! Here's to a new decade of life!(p.s. both of the pictures eating rabbit are staged and nobody ate the rabbit after these pictures…however, I love how ridiculous the picture on the right is)
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
obedience and contentment
How are we to couple these two ideas? So often, obedience is regarded with the lenses of obligation rather than joy. I have come to realize this in recent days. I obey my calling because I believe in the one who called me, but sometimes I am merely operating out of pure obedience. Please don't misinterpret this as a post again obedience. As children, and heirs, I am called to obey the one in whom I serve, but obedience is much more than an action. Well, intellectually I understand this, but often I forget that true obedience is heart of surrender and joy, it's more than just a choice or an action, but rather a willingness (or at least it should be). Where has my heart gone? How did I become this person that loves what I believe and wants to continually go deeper, but has lost the excitement knowing I am guided/directed by the same one that stood in my place, sacrificing their own life, that I might know truth and freedom?
So, let me rewind and give you a little backstory to the present time. I moved to SC for education purposes and didn't quite love it for some time. I wasn't used to living and dwelling amongst all those that believed the same as myself (which I thought might have been pretty cool) only to realize that amongst this crowd I felt more like the black sheep than part of the flock (this changed a bit as time passed and I began to allow myself to be vulnerable). To be perfectly honest, some fellowships are a bit stifling for the soul, but that is another day and another topic.
Anyways… my heart has always been to live overseas. There were days that I was so restless that I would cry out for countless hours to be sent. A cry of desperation, frustration, and honestly annoyance. Why am I still in the states? Why am I not being sent? Why is my time being wasted? Aren't the laborers few? I couldn't understand what was taking so long and why my debt was continually piling up in the process.
Well, the same thing is quickly surfacing here. I am literally living my dream to dwell in another country, learn the language and culture, and befriend those from the country. But in the process, I've found myself comparing my circumstances. Now, I know I have an awesome job, and amazing group to work with, impressively compassionate and supportive leadership, not to mention a great view :) But, there has been what seemed like a restlessness bubbling to the surface, closer with each day, brinking on the point of boiling over for the last week or so. Why am I teaching such young kids? Why don't my kinds know the basics? Why am I wasting my life repeating the endless letter sounds with aggravating repetition? I know I am called to live in China, I know I am called to work while I work, I know I am to have a joy deep within my heart, and yet I wrestled, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.
It wasn't until last night that I realized that it isn't my position that I'm unsatisfied with (don't get me wrong - an amazing 3rd grade classroom like at my prior school would be quickly welcomed) but rather the fact that I am sad. I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss my fellowship and friends. I desperately want to reach out an hug those I love most, with a tear streaked face to be amongst those that know me (all the sorrow, broken and healed areas, my struggles and failings, and my biggest dreams) where I can just sit and my soul rests because we are past the foundation stage of friendship. I would give nearly anything to be laying on my bed, giggling with my mom and sister about some ridiculous pin on pinterest. And with each deepening longing, I began to hear my self explaining that I am here out of obedience to what I was told to do. FALSE…well, true, but that is not the whole truth.
Yes, I was told to come to China. I know with my whole heart that this is where I am suppose to be and that I will more than likely be here for an extended time. But, I also have forgotten that I am given the opportunity to live my dreams (how often does that happen). I get to make a difference in the lives of these young impressionable minds, and I get paid to do it. What was really sadness and a longing for those I love most dearly, was outletting itself as discontentment and quite frankly complaining.
Well, lucky for me, I serve a father who's desire is to pull me out of where I am and see life through a difference pair of lenses. I picked up my Bible and started to read where I had left off : Numbers. The story was about the Israelites that had been freed from slavery and though their needs were being met daily, they were discontent because it was seemingly neverending and uncomfortable. hmmm…am I complaining? Am I just like these Israelites?
Well, not too long after that, I went to a meeting for work and sure enough the service was about the exact same passage. Ok Ok … maybe just a coincidence, right? WRONG
If I remember correctly, i also encountered it another place, but the message was clear. Here I am with all my needs met and here I am complaining that things look different than in America and that i am only teaching out of obedience. However, this isn't the case. Some days I truly love being a teacher and others, I wonder what my true calling is.
As for now, I am called to teach first grade. I can be a light and a beacon for those lost at seas. Also, I need to spend time in the word more and less on small things (like reaching the next level. I am grateful that though my heart isn't always into the decision, that my life appears to be one of obedience, however, I will be asking that my heart catches up with my heart. I will continue to draw close to my father and seek his guidance in all I do.
Today, was the first day of joy in what seems like forever, where the veil of distraction has been lifted to reveal my misplaced frustration. God is always faithful, even when I'm not. And I'm grateful for the start of what i hope to be a Spirit of complete surrender and praise.
So, let me rewind and give you a little backstory to the present time. I moved to SC for education purposes and didn't quite love it for some time. I wasn't used to living and dwelling amongst all those that believed the same as myself (which I thought might have been pretty cool) only to realize that amongst this crowd I felt more like the black sheep than part of the flock (this changed a bit as time passed and I began to allow myself to be vulnerable). To be perfectly honest, some fellowships are a bit stifling for the soul, but that is another day and another topic.
Anyways… my heart has always been to live overseas. There were days that I was so restless that I would cry out for countless hours to be sent. A cry of desperation, frustration, and honestly annoyance. Why am I still in the states? Why am I not being sent? Why is my time being wasted? Aren't the laborers few? I couldn't understand what was taking so long and why my debt was continually piling up in the process.
Well, the same thing is quickly surfacing here. I am literally living my dream to dwell in another country, learn the language and culture, and befriend those from the country. But in the process, I've found myself comparing my circumstances. Now, I know I have an awesome job, and amazing group to work with, impressively compassionate and supportive leadership, not to mention a great view :) But, there has been what seemed like a restlessness bubbling to the surface, closer with each day, brinking on the point of boiling over for the last week or so. Why am I teaching such young kids? Why don't my kinds know the basics? Why am I wasting my life repeating the endless letter sounds with aggravating repetition? I know I am called to live in China, I know I am called to work while I work, I know I am to have a joy deep within my heart, and yet I wrestled, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.
It wasn't until last night that I realized that it isn't my position that I'm unsatisfied with (don't get me wrong - an amazing 3rd grade classroom like at my prior school would be quickly welcomed) but rather the fact that I am sad. I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss my fellowship and friends. I desperately want to reach out an hug those I love most, with a tear streaked face to be amongst those that know me (all the sorrow, broken and healed areas, my struggles and failings, and my biggest dreams) where I can just sit and my soul rests because we are past the foundation stage of friendship. I would give nearly anything to be laying on my bed, giggling with my mom and sister about some ridiculous pin on pinterest. And with each deepening longing, I began to hear my self explaining that I am here out of obedience to what I was told to do. FALSE…well, true, but that is not the whole truth.
Yes, I was told to come to China. I know with my whole heart that this is where I am suppose to be and that I will more than likely be here for an extended time. But, I also have forgotten that I am given the opportunity to live my dreams (how often does that happen). I get to make a difference in the lives of these young impressionable minds, and I get paid to do it. What was really sadness and a longing for those I love most dearly, was outletting itself as discontentment and quite frankly complaining.
Well, lucky for me, I serve a father who's desire is to pull me out of where I am and see life through a difference pair of lenses. I picked up my Bible and started to read where I had left off : Numbers. The story was about the Israelites that had been freed from slavery and though their needs were being met daily, they were discontent because it was seemingly neverending and uncomfortable. hmmm…am I complaining? Am I just like these Israelites?
Well, not too long after that, I went to a meeting for work and sure enough the service was about the exact same passage. Ok Ok … maybe just a coincidence, right? WRONG
If I remember correctly, i also encountered it another place, but the message was clear. Here I am with all my needs met and here I am complaining that things look different than in America and that i am only teaching out of obedience. However, this isn't the case. Some days I truly love being a teacher and others, I wonder what my true calling is.
As for now, I am called to teach first grade. I can be a light and a beacon for those lost at seas. Also, I need to spend time in the word more and less on small things (like reaching the next level. I am grateful that though my heart isn't always into the decision, that my life appears to be one of obedience, however, I will be asking that my heart catches up with my heart. I will continue to draw close to my father and seek his guidance in all I do.
Today, was the first day of joy in what seems like forever, where the veil of distraction has been lifted to reveal my misplaced frustration. God is always faithful, even when I'm not. And I'm grateful for the start of what i hope to be a Spirit of complete surrender and praise.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Spilling Over
Yesterday was such a blessing in my life. I feel full to the brim with depth and am grateful for His willingness to take me deeper, even in the midst of figuring out a body in which I fit and can thrive in the giftings I've been granted.
Yesterday, I had the chance to sit with some good friends and just talk about our Father. We talked about the craving for more, the ability to live with open hands and to truly run the race provided for us. I randomly thought about something that was impressed on my heart awhile back while I was reading The Brothers Karamazov - which goes a lot deeper than one may think. I remember thinking [hmmm if we are called to love the widows and orphans and He is always referring to himself as our bridegroom and father, then would that be loving those who have walked away from the faith and those that haven't been adopted as heirs to the King yet? And if that is the case, wouldn't that mean, that we are truly called to love everyone - which basically is the Good News?]. Don't get me wrong, I think we are literally called to take care of the widows and the orphans, but when has He ever been simple and only one-dimentional? So, I shared this thought with my friends and it was crazy because my friend said he had just pulled up a video for me to watch and it spoke a lot of the same things (I've added the video in case anyone wanted a reference…plus it's just so good and done so well artistically).
Well, after I left there, I came home to begin planning lessons for the week. So, I'm sitting on my couch, trying to pump out some lesson plans in hopes that I can get a somewhat decent night of sleep, and I was just blown away while reading the story of Noah. Here's what came to me:
The ark was a place of protection for Noah and his family that guarded them from the wrath to come and after the flood was over, Noah gave an offering of praise for the protection.
The ark of the covenant was also a form of protection. If it went with the people of Israel, then there was a protection.
Well, isn't this what JC is? Isn't he our ark. Aren't we covered by his sacrifice to navigate the sea of a fallen world, only to praise him upon our arrival at the pearly gates. Isn't this just another picture of the Good News?
Then, I was reading about the rainbow (which so tragically has been "claimed" to represent something quite different from the original purpose, but I'm "claiming" it back for what it really stands for which is a promise)
Anyways, so my teacher's edition (basically the lifeline of a teacher) had this short quick sentence about rainbows. A rainbow is just the sunshine hitting the rain at the perfect angle to display the different colors of the rainbow. And then I thought again [Doesn't He refer to himself as the light, and aren't we always in the storm of life, and at His perfect timing (angle), He shines through and demonstrates His promises? Isn't that just another part of the Good News - that hope comes in the morning, light shines in the darkness, and he is faithful to fulfill His promises? ]
Dang dang dang. Talk about a bucket spilling over.
Yesterday, I had the chance to sit with some good friends and just talk about our Father. We talked about the craving for more, the ability to live with open hands and to truly run the race provided for us. I randomly thought about something that was impressed on my heart awhile back while I was reading The Brothers Karamazov - which goes a lot deeper than one may think. I remember thinking [hmmm if we are called to love the widows and orphans and He is always referring to himself as our bridegroom and father, then would that be loving those who have walked away from the faith and those that haven't been adopted as heirs to the King yet? And if that is the case, wouldn't that mean, that we are truly called to love everyone - which basically is the Good News?]. Don't get me wrong, I think we are literally called to take care of the widows and the orphans, but when has He ever been simple and only one-dimentional? So, I shared this thought with my friends and it was crazy because my friend said he had just pulled up a video for me to watch and it spoke a lot of the same things (I've added the video in case anyone wanted a reference…plus it's just so good and done so well artistically).
Well, after I left there, I came home to begin planning lessons for the week. So, I'm sitting on my couch, trying to pump out some lesson plans in hopes that I can get a somewhat decent night of sleep, and I was just blown away while reading the story of Noah. Here's what came to me:
The ark was a place of protection for Noah and his family that guarded them from the wrath to come and after the flood was over, Noah gave an offering of praise for the protection.
The ark of the covenant was also a form of protection. If it went with the people of Israel, then there was a protection.
Well, isn't this what JC is? Isn't he our ark. Aren't we covered by his sacrifice to navigate the sea of a fallen world, only to praise him upon our arrival at the pearly gates. Isn't this just another picture of the Good News?
Then, I was reading about the rainbow (which so tragically has been "claimed" to represent something quite different from the original purpose, but I'm "claiming" it back for what it really stands for which is a promise)
Anyways, so my teacher's edition (basically the lifeline of a teacher) had this short quick sentence about rainbows. A rainbow is just the sunshine hitting the rain at the perfect angle to display the different colors of the rainbow. And then I thought again [Doesn't He refer to himself as the light, and aren't we always in the storm of life, and at His perfect timing (angle), He shines through and demonstrates His promises? Isn't that just another part of the Good News - that hope comes in the morning, light shines in the darkness, and he is faithful to fulfill His promises? ]
Dang dang dang. Talk about a bucket spilling over.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Owning Life
I don't know why I love this phrase so much, but there is something magical about the phrase "owning life" to me. If you aren't familiar with it, just imagine you made the game winning shot from the half-court line while in overtime winning the NCAA championship. Well, that's a bit of an overstatement, but still, it does feel great (the owning life portion…I've never played in the NCAA…)
Anyways, today was a day I felt like I really was beginning to live in China. A friend and I got coffee together, sat and divulged about all of our transition wounds and depth cravings, and did life. Gosh, you don't know just how long you've been drowning until someone comes and revives you. P.S. The coffee was delicious and strong!
After that, I went to find the print shop a friend had taken me to a couple days before. I have been given the opportunity to teach here in China, but there is a lack of creative materials -especially decorative, educational, posters. So, I had my own printed. Well, I brought my friend with me (which can always be a big test to your pride on whether you can find the store again or not) and we found it! I got my posters, was able to thank the lady in Chinese and offer my goodbye. Success. I'm sure I butchered the words, but at least I didn't just smile and nod. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE or I will never get past the "I feel like a babbling moron and you barely understand me" phase.
My friend mentioned needing to go to grocery shop and to Carrefour and said she was just going to take a taxi. Instead, I showed her how to walk there (only about 20-25 min), some local eateries and fruit stands, and a shockingly quiet(er) part of the city. We didn't get lost and I felt like a pro. Alright pride, simmer down.
I am just so excited and grateful that for the first time I am beginning to feel like I am not just a leech sucking everything out of the older staff, but am finally being able to maneuver on my own and help others. What a great feeling of freedom. I look forward to the day that I can order and pick up everything in Chinese, but one step at a time.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Trying the meat…finally
So, today was the day I decided to try the meat I bought a little while ago. If you don't remember these little snacks, they look something like this :) I know, I couldn't believe I did it either, but for some reason when I looked at them, I didn't get a bit queazy inside. Well, not to have a totally lame ending to such an exciting adventure, but I wasn't a big fan. The sausage/hot dog things really wasn't up to my liking. I love hot dogs, but this didn't have too much of a flavor (besides spice) and it was well, rather like biting into those bouncy balls you get from the 25 cent machines… you know you, at some point in your childhood, bit into one of those suckers. No? Just me?Anyways….the stick meat wasn't that horrible, but it didn't have a great flavor. Texture-wise it was decent, but the flavor was kinda bland and a bit like pre-chewed meat. Now, I'm not trying to make fun or be disgusting but rather am trying to describe it in such a way you might get a little taste of the experience (see what I did there…taste of the experience lol).
Well, this one was a strike out, but perhaps one of these days I'll find a prepackaged meat that I enjoy. For now, I'll just stick to my egg flavored sorta rice krispyish type thing and fruit.
Sidenote: I made a delicious dinner tonight that was unbelievably easy. Last night, my roommate and I had cooked dinner (well, she cooked everything but the rice and I cleaned) and there was plenty of rice left over. Then, I boiled some fresh corn on the cob (cut it off the cob once it was done), green beans and red peppers (I boiled these right in the same water I boiled the corn in). Tonight I ate the rice and vegetables cold (mainly because I don't know how to work the electric oven that looks like a microwave) and added salt and finely ground pepper. It was delicious. The corn made it sweet and the red peppers made it bitter. Yum. And score for my first cooked meal in China. Now I'm off to try and roast some pumpkin seeds. :)
Coming up for air
So, thank you life for taking me to the crashing waves of transition, tossing me around beneath your waves and continuing to attempt to pull me back under. However, I am on to you and will be kicking and paddling me darndest only to one day stand atop you and ride that wave to victory.
Ok. I'm weird. It's ok, I've come to terms with how unusual my brain processes information. I kinda like it, but others have no clue where I come from at times. ANYWAYS…
I am just now starting to get a footing on life. I nearly hold my breath to write those words for fear that I will soon again be tossed around by life (which I am sure will happen over the next few years), however, it's the truth.
I went into work today and re-arranged my classroom to my liking. I have been running off of a skeleton classroom, arranged like the previous year, with hardly any manipulatives (educational toys) or centers (places to put those toys). BUT, today was the day that I made it my own. There is still a lot of work to be done, but it looks so much better. Seriously, I can't stand a badly laid out classroom, with junk everywhere (or nothing at all). The room had all the shelves lining the walls of the classroom, with books thrown here and there, basket full of who knows what, and minimal decorations which just aren't up to par for this New Jersey blooded girl. So, I shifted everything (including my co-teachers desk and shelves…whoops) and used the shelves to create different areas of the classroom (more defined rather than a large open classroom that the kids interpret as a large running field). I also hung some of the kids art work (which is pretty amazing for the age…but then again I am biased). And finally, I changed the desk arrangement. Let's hope the kids can handle all the changes. I did give my co-teacher a heads up so she could go ahead and prepare herself, in case she needed that sort of thing. I would.
Friendships. I have had time this week to spend time with different people from school. It has been nice developing friendships with some people that have lived here awhile and others that are in the same rocky transition boat. I know that I will continue to develop deep friendships and am grateful that the Lord heard my cry for fellowship. I have also been attending a fellowship on Sundays which was hard for me at the beginning. Nearly all of the other single ladies go to the fellowship a little ways away, but I felt called to attend the one at school for the time being. I was so worried that I would be left out because I went to a different fellowship or that people would think I didn't want to be friends with them, but then I had to realize that I would rather be obedient and risk not having those relationships, then to disobey. It was hard last week because I really didn't agree with the way one of the leaders handle something (trying not to air dirty laundry here) and I mentioned it to a couple of people. I really didn't even want to come back to the church because of it. I felt like it was completely unbiblical and rather insulting. But, I know I am called to be there for now and so I returned (it helped that a couple of people that have attended the fellowship mentioned that they had never seen anything like that since they've been there). Today, the leader quietly confronted the issue and I was grateful to have seen that. Just think, if I had decided not to go because of this one person's actions, I would have misjudged the fellowship as holding the same views. I am glad to see that this action was not the norm and that God is faithful in all things. After all, I'm just trying to go to worship Him, grow in my faith, and worship Him.
On another note, I have been using a little of my Chinese. Class went well and having a few friends that speak the language well has been helpful. I am eager to learn the language fluently, but need to remember that Mandarin is a hard language. I will work hard and continue to strive for fluency (or even just to have short conversations with those I pass every day). I am praying for a mind that understands quickly, a Spirit of bravery to use what I've learned and not become embarrassed about not getting it completely correct, and a heart to push on when the going gets tough (and it will). I checked out a children's book the other day and have been working through it with translation and that has been a fun process. I feel like I'm noticing words more in the story (and characters sometimes) which is an awesome feeling!
Ok, I'm off to bed. I'm learning that a good night's sleep (even if just 4 hours for tonight) helps a lot with the emotional response to life. Not always, but sometimes. :)
Ok. I'm weird. It's ok, I've come to terms with how unusual my brain processes information. I kinda like it, but others have no clue where I come from at times. ANYWAYS…
I am just now starting to get a footing on life. I nearly hold my breath to write those words for fear that I will soon again be tossed around by life (which I am sure will happen over the next few years), however, it's the truth.
I went into work today and re-arranged my classroom to my liking. I have been running off of a skeleton classroom, arranged like the previous year, with hardly any manipulatives (educational toys) or centers (places to put those toys). BUT, today was the day that I made it my own. There is still a lot of work to be done, but it looks so much better. Seriously, I can't stand a badly laid out classroom, with junk everywhere (or nothing at all). The room had all the shelves lining the walls of the classroom, with books thrown here and there, basket full of who knows what, and minimal decorations which just aren't up to par for this New Jersey blooded girl. So, I shifted everything (including my co-teachers desk and shelves…whoops) and used the shelves to create different areas of the classroom (more defined rather than a large open classroom that the kids interpret as a large running field). I also hung some of the kids art work (which is pretty amazing for the age…but then again I am biased). And finally, I changed the desk arrangement. Let's hope the kids can handle all the changes. I did give my co-teacher a heads up so she could go ahead and prepare herself, in case she needed that sort of thing. I would.
Friendships. I have had time this week to spend time with different people from school. It has been nice developing friendships with some people that have lived here awhile and others that are in the same rocky transition boat. I know that I will continue to develop deep friendships and am grateful that the Lord heard my cry for fellowship. I have also been attending a fellowship on Sundays which was hard for me at the beginning. Nearly all of the other single ladies go to the fellowship a little ways away, but I felt called to attend the one at school for the time being. I was so worried that I would be left out because I went to a different fellowship or that people would think I didn't want to be friends with them, but then I had to realize that I would rather be obedient and risk not having those relationships, then to disobey. It was hard last week because I really didn't agree with the way one of the leaders handle something (trying not to air dirty laundry here) and I mentioned it to a couple of people. I really didn't even want to come back to the church because of it. I felt like it was completely unbiblical and rather insulting. But, I know I am called to be there for now and so I returned (it helped that a couple of people that have attended the fellowship mentioned that they had never seen anything like that since they've been there). Today, the leader quietly confronted the issue and I was grateful to have seen that. Just think, if I had decided not to go because of this one person's actions, I would have misjudged the fellowship as holding the same views. I am glad to see that this action was not the norm and that God is faithful in all things. After all, I'm just trying to go to worship Him, grow in my faith, and worship Him.
On another note, I have been using a little of my Chinese. Class went well and having a few friends that speak the language well has been helpful. I am eager to learn the language fluently, but need to remember that Mandarin is a hard language. I will work hard and continue to strive for fluency (or even just to have short conversations with those I pass every day). I am praying for a mind that understands quickly, a Spirit of bravery to use what I've learned and not become embarrassed about not getting it completely correct, and a heart to push on when the going gets tough (and it will). I checked out a children's book the other day and have been working through it with translation and that has been a fun process. I feel like I'm noticing words more in the story (and characters sometimes) which is an awesome feeling!
Ok, I'm off to bed. I'm learning that a good night's sleep (even if just 4 hours for tonight) helps a lot with the emotional response to life. Not always, but sometimes. :)
Broken Communication
One of the hardest transitions, probably because it wasn't one I really thought much about and therefore didn't prepare for, was trying to communicate over an entire ocean.
Now, I know that we live in a day and age where we are incredibly blessed to have technology that closes the gap in distance. I am grateful that I don't live in a remote area where communication wouldn't even be a topic of conversation. However, trying to communicate with time changes, over multiple countries, over a private network can be quite taxing.
Not to mention the dead spots and frozen screens (though some have been quite hilarious). I feel like a gymnast when I'm trying to facetime my family and friends. I start at the bottom of my bed and slowly roll/tumble around searching for the best service before the phone disconnect. Phew…at least I'm getting nice and limber ;)
I also just miss being able to pick up my phone and call someone to meet for lunch/coffee and it be a short quick process. None of this needing to schedule a time to call because I am 12 hours ahead, or having to walk-to buy a ticket- to catch a bus-to be birthed out at the bus stop-to walk-to finally sit down. ok ok…it isn't that extreme (only if I need to go shopping).
I did just learn of an app that will allow my phone to have a US number, which would allow me to just call me friends and talk like I live next door to them, which I am excited about. I just need to learn a little more about the process to see if it is legit. Not trying to get into anything sketchy…
For now, I am remembering to cherish the fact that I have a way to communicate and even see my family, which wasn't even possible a few decades ago. And I should be grateful to have people that love me enough to put up with my bed-head and cranky at the wifi attitude.
Monday, August 18, 2014
The hostage
Life has been a bit insane over the last week and a half. With the transition into the new culture being bombarded with the transition into a new job position, let's just say a lot has gone by the wayside. I think the transition in the culture might actually be a bit easier of one than the school transition. I think that the school feels very familiar and then I assume that it will be a lot like home, but it really is quite different. Emails are checked throughout the day rather than in the morning and after school. The students I teach are somewhere between both of the the levels I have experience with. I've never really taught literacy/reading and I have never taught first graders. Let's just say I'm a bit in the weeds and my pride has taken a major beating.
I think it's funny how I never seem to be able to do anything in little spurts but rather am typically placed in a situation where everything happens all at once.
I just keep reminding myself that I know I am suppose to be here. I don't have to be perfect. Apologize when I have not met expectations. And have grace (especially on myself). PHEW. Can I get a gasp of air please? :)
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So, the hostage thing. We were told that living overseas has key transitions. They are the four F's. Fun (honey moon stage), Flight (retreat to the familiar), Fight (feels like you are being help hostage) and Fun. I could have totally botched these, but this is what stuck. I heard the transitions come in waves and different things can place you back on the cycle, but as for now, I feel a bit like a hostage. I know I am meant to be here. I know that I am in transition, but there are times, like tonight, where I just wanted to pack my bags and get back on the plane headed home. I wanted to hug my friends, go deep with unfiltered rawness, snuggle up on my sisters couch, curl up in my room at my mom's house (with her right there beside me), and just bask in normalness. Where I had a routine and confidence in my abilities to maneuver the world surrounding me. I just miss home.
It will get better and the fun times have been scattered throughout, but at this moment, I am officially homesick.
on a more positive, exciting note: I start my chinese lessons tomorrow :)
I think it's funny how I never seem to be able to do anything in little spurts but rather am typically placed in a situation where everything happens all at once.
I just keep reminding myself that I know I am suppose to be here. I don't have to be perfect. Apologize when I have not met expectations. And have grace (especially on myself). PHEW. Can I get a gasp of air please? :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, the hostage thing. We were told that living overseas has key transitions. They are the four F's. Fun (honey moon stage), Flight (retreat to the familiar), Fight (feels like you are being help hostage) and Fun. I could have totally botched these, but this is what stuck. I heard the transitions come in waves and different things can place you back on the cycle, but as for now, I feel a bit like a hostage. I know I am meant to be here. I know that I am in transition, but there are times, like tonight, where I just wanted to pack my bags and get back on the plane headed home. I wanted to hug my friends, go deep with unfiltered rawness, snuggle up on my sisters couch, curl up in my room at my mom's house (with her right there beside me), and just bask in normalness. Where I had a routine and confidence in my abilities to maneuver the world surrounding me. I just miss home.
It will get better and the fun times have been scattered throughout, but at this moment, I am officially homesick.
on a more positive, exciting note: I start my chinese lessons tomorrow :)
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
When in Rome… or China
It's easy to stay in the western bubble here. Especially since I work at an international school, in an upscale part of town, near the mall, and with access to a couple of large westernized stores, including IKEA.
But, why would I want to? Yea, it may be more comfortable and familiar, but is that what I want my gravestone to read.
HERE LIES BONNIE: SHE LIVED A COMFORTABLE, FAMILIAR LIFE. blah.
So, my goals are simple (well, simple sounding)
1. Learning the language
a. Speech
b. Writing
c. Reading
2. Learn the transit system (stop always using Taxis like a westerner)
3. Make local friends (who better to learn from and you get a new friend out of it)
4. Shop locally
a. attempt to eat some of the local food (even if it burns your mouth or is different)
I am excited for the most part and looking forward to the challenge! Today, I even bought a couple of Chinese snacks (I haven't tried them yet, but believe me there will be an update when I do).
These are just a couple of the snacks I bought and have yet to try. I have tried banana flavored puffs and an egg crispy, which are both good. I am not brave enough, nor do I think I will be able to stomach (literally) a packaged chicken foot, but only time will tell!
But, why would I want to? Yea, it may be more comfortable and familiar, but is that what I want my gravestone to read.
HERE LIES BONNIE: SHE LIVED A COMFORTABLE, FAMILIAR LIFE. blah.
So, my goals are simple (well, simple sounding)
1. Learning the language
a. Speech
b. Writing
c. Reading
2. Learn the transit system (stop always using Taxis like a westerner)
3. Make local friends (who better to learn from and you get a new friend out of it)
4. Shop locally
a. attempt to eat some of the local food (even if it burns your mouth or is different)
I am excited for the most part and looking forward to the challenge! Today, I even bought a couple of Chinese snacks (I haven't tried them yet, but believe me there will be an update when I do).These are just a couple of the snacks I bought and have yet to try. I have tried banana flavored puffs and an egg crispy, which are both good. I am not brave enough, nor do I think I will be able to stomach (literally) a packaged chicken foot, but only time will tell!
Knees to Chest
Living in a city is much different than the suburban life I am accustomed to. I do miss the solitude and calmness of the suburbs, but I love city-life as well. You can walk almost anywhere and there are always things to do!
So, each morning that it isn't raining (or that I haven't shut off my alarm for the umpteenth time from exhaustion), I am able to walk to school. It's a nice way to start the day because it gives me the opportunity to wake up a little before needing to fully interact. For the most part, the walk is quiet.
Then, you hit the main road to cross near the school. So, basically it's a small highway (small is a loosely used term) and luckily it is a bit divided. I remember standing on the side of the street thinking, ' oh, this isn't bad. we cross the street in America' and assumed the procedure would be the same. FALSE. Almost NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, is done the same in China as it is in America, no matter how familiar it appears. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one way is better than the other, just merely that I shouldn't make assumptions. Here's how I learned.
I stepped into the road to prepare to walk across the one side of the highway to the middle divider after noticing that there was a small gap in traffic. I only looked to the left since it was a one direction side of the road. WRONG. Within a split second I felt the side of a petty cab running into my elbow. Yep. I got hit by a petty cab, going the wrong direction, on a divided highway. Just a reminder: LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE ROAD. and NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. Sidenote: I am fine and was barely hit, but still it was too close for my liking.
Here are some other things I've learned.
1. Knees to Chest: Seriously, you hustle. No loligagging across the road.
2. No waiting until there isn't any traffic (you will be waiting for quite some time)
3. Scooters will weave around you, so it's ok to wander through them, just be respectful and don't just stroll.
4. Always look both ways
5. Cars are a little less forgiving, but might still weave around you.
6. Buses will kill you. Seriously, every time I go see them while crossing the road, I remind myself 'buses will kill you. you will die'.
7. Go. You can't be nervous or hesitant. Make a decision and own it. Indecisiveness causes accidents and people will die.
8. Have fun! I kinda love the thrill of weaving through traffic. There's a sort of freedom that comes with the territory, not to mention you feel like a total rebel. :) It sorta is like
I'm in a video game, like frogger, now just to make it to the other side
So, each morning that it isn't raining (or that I haven't shut off my alarm for the umpteenth time from exhaustion), I am able to walk to school. It's a nice way to start the day because it gives me the opportunity to wake up a little before needing to fully interact. For the most part, the walk is quiet.Then, you hit the main road to cross near the school. So, basically it's a small highway (small is a loosely used term) and luckily it is a bit divided. I remember standing on the side of the street thinking, ' oh, this isn't bad. we cross the street in America' and assumed the procedure would be the same. FALSE. Almost NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, is done the same in China as it is in America, no matter how familiar it appears. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying one way is better than the other, just merely that I shouldn't make assumptions. Here's how I learned.
I stepped into the road to prepare to walk across the one side of the highway to the middle divider after noticing that there was a small gap in traffic. I only looked to the left since it was a one direction side of the road. WRONG. Within a split second I felt the side of a petty cab running into my elbow. Yep. I got hit by a petty cab, going the wrong direction, on a divided highway. Just a reminder: LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE ROAD. and NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. Sidenote: I am fine and was barely hit, but still it was too close for my liking.Here are some other things I've learned.
1. Knees to Chest: Seriously, you hustle. No loligagging across the road.
2. No waiting until there isn't any traffic (you will be waiting for quite some time)
3. Scooters will weave around you, so it's ok to wander through them, just be respectful and don't just stroll.
4. Always look both ways
5. Cars are a little less forgiving, but might still weave around you.
6. Buses will kill you. Seriously, every time I go see them while crossing the road, I remind myself 'buses will kill you. you will die'.
7. Go. You can't be nervous or hesitant. Make a decision and own it. Indecisiveness causes accidents and people will die.
8. Have fun! I kinda love the thrill of weaving through traffic. There's a sort of freedom that comes with the territory, not to mention you feel like a total rebel. :) It sorta is like
I'm in a video game, like frogger, now just to make it to the other side
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Community
Community is crucial to life. We were meant to live in it. We need it.
Well, anytime you move to a new city, you have to make all new friends. Once in awhile you get lucky and hit it off with someone right away, but other times it's a very long, lonely transition. China is somewhere in between those two options.
I've met people on the team I really get along with and enjoy. There are some I feel I've known forever, However, I don't feel really connected. I know friendships take time and sometimes it's hard to go deep, especially when life is so chaotic, but it's hard while in the midst of the process.
Honestly, it doesn't help that I left behind amazing community. People I loved with my whole heart. People I think about often, keep in touch with, and people who knew me (the good and the bad).
I just feel a bit out of place. I know I am called to be here for this season of life and I love it here, I'm just waiting on the community aspect. People who get me: who let me be who I am, that I don't have to think about what I say or do near them because they fully accept me as I am knowing I'm in the process of being healed and matured, that will look at me and bust out laughing because we know what we are both thinking, who are fun and full of life. I just miss having deep and hilarious friendships. I know things take time, but can I just transport my entire community (or at least part of it) here to make the transition a bit easier?
Oh time, where are you when I need you? And why are you slow when I want you to speed up.
Praying for friendships and people that I truly connect with. No more surface conversations or feeling awkward because there isn't anything to talk about. Depth, life, and laughter.
Well, anytime you move to a new city, you have to make all new friends. Once in awhile you get lucky and hit it off with someone right away, but other times it's a very long, lonely transition. China is somewhere in between those two options.
I've met people on the team I really get along with and enjoy. There are some I feel I've known forever, However, I don't feel really connected. I know friendships take time and sometimes it's hard to go deep, especially when life is so chaotic, but it's hard while in the midst of the process.
Honestly, it doesn't help that I left behind amazing community. People I loved with my whole heart. People I think about often, keep in touch with, and people who knew me (the good and the bad).
I just feel a bit out of place. I know I am called to be here for this season of life and I love it here, I'm just waiting on the community aspect. People who get me: who let me be who I am, that I don't have to think about what I say or do near them because they fully accept me as I am knowing I'm in the process of being healed and matured, that will look at me and bust out laughing because we know what we are both thinking, who are fun and full of life. I just miss having deep and hilarious friendships. I know things take time, but can I just transport my entire community (or at least part of it) here to make the transition a bit easier?
Oh time, where are you when I need you? And why are you slow when I want you to speed up.
Praying for friendships and people that I truly connect with. No more surface conversations or feeling awkward because there isn't anything to talk about. Depth, life, and laughter.
Venturing Out
You need to see it to know. You have to do it to learn it.
These sayings depict my learning styles. I need to be able to see what you are talking about and do whatever it is. Anyways, over the last few days, I haven't really had a chance to go anywhere without someone leading me. It's great to have people that either know what they are doing or are "take charge" sorts of people, but in the end, it isn't very helpful for those that are with you, especially if the learning styles are anything like my own. I need to be a part of the process not just follow in your footsteps.
Anyways, today was a day that I decided to venture out with some different people and experience different things. It started out as a rainy day where we went shopping at a store similar to a small Sam's Club. It was great to walk around and see what they had, but in all honesty, I didn't really need much. The store was pretty far away and we ended up getting stuck in traffic on the way home.
By the time we got home though, it had stopped raining, which was nice for unloading the bus (the other girls found the store a bit more to their liking than myself and had tons of HEAVY bags). I dropped my stuff off and headed to meet some girls to go to lunch and walk around the mall. We decided to snap a little photo while waiting for the crosswalk:
These sayings depict my learning styles. I need to be able to see what you are talking about and do whatever it is. Anyways, over the last few days, I haven't really had a chance to go anywhere without someone leading me. It's great to have people that either know what they are doing or are "take charge" sorts of people, but in the end, it isn't very helpful for those that are with you, especially if the learning styles are anything like my own. I need to be a part of the process not just follow in your footsteps.
Anyways, today was a day that I decided to venture out with some different people and experience different things. It started out as a rainy day where we went shopping at a store similar to a small Sam's Club. It was great to walk around and see what they had, but in all honesty, I didn't really need much. The store was pretty far away and we ended up getting stuck in traffic on the way home.
We ended up eating at a Tex-Mex restaurant which was OK. I think I had gotten my hopes up for mexican and came to realize it was southwestern (as we call it in the south). I probably will love it when I'm missing America though, so it's great to know where it is.
Since the first day of school is quickly approaching, one of the girls and myself decided to work on our classrooms, which is convenient to be able to do on a Saturday. In fact, we can go into the school whenever we want, as long as we have our badges for the security guard to open the gate.
Overall, it was a productive day and I got a chance to connect with a couple other new teachers, which is always nice!
Missing Home
After a few days of transitioning and trying to get my bearings on things, I started to really process that I have moved to China. Half the time I still feel like I am on vacation, and luckily I've been given an adaptable Spirit in regards to settling down into a home quickly, however, there are still times when the pain of missing your family/friends is like a wave sucking you under.
One day here, I woke up sad. I'm not talking boohoo I scraped my toe. More like, "what the heck did you do? Why aren't you near anything familiar? Why did you leave everyone? Did you just make the biggest mistake of your life?" and then a deep aching abyss settled in my heart. I, of course, shoved those emotions down and went to work like everything was normal, but when people asked how I was, I couldn't lie. What was so refreshing was that so many people came around me and encouraged me that it was normal and that they too had been through the same transition. I am grateful to work in the community that I work and to be surrounded by people who believe the same as myself.
I have to say that I am beyond grateful for technology at this point. I've missed the voices of my friends and family and it has been nice being about to Facetime, call, and audio text because of all the new apps out there. In fact, I just downloaded one that allows me to take a picture of chinese characters around me and it will translate it. Seriously, how cool is technology. It definitely makes distance seem a bit closer.
One day here, I woke up sad. I'm not talking boohoo I scraped my toe. More like, "what the heck did you do? Why aren't you near anything familiar? Why did you leave everyone? Did you just make the biggest mistake of your life?" and then a deep aching abyss settled in my heart. I, of course, shoved those emotions down and went to work like everything was normal, but when people asked how I was, I couldn't lie. What was so refreshing was that so many people came around me and encouraged me that it was normal and that they too had been through the same transition. I am grateful to work in the community that I work and to be surrounded by people who believe the same as myself.
I have to say that I am beyond grateful for technology at this point. I've missed the voices of my friends and family and it has been nice being about to Facetime, call, and audio text because of all the new apps out there. In fact, I just downloaded one that allows me to take a picture of chinese characters around me and it will translate it. Seriously, how cool is technology. It definitely makes distance seem a bit closer.
Transitioning
This week has flown by. I can't believe I've already been here a week!
So, in regard to the transitioning process, there are some great things and some frustrating things. I'm going to do what I call the sandwich technique by starting with great things, mentioning frustrating things, and ending on a positive note. It tends to work well.
Anyways, here are some of the positives:
1. I work at with some amazingly cheerful, encouraging, and loving people. The people at my school are just friendly and so far, I really love working there.
2. Most things are cheap. Now, I did hit up IKEA of the other day and that put a huge dent in my pocket, but I am grateful to have been able to get a few things to make my new place feel more homelike.
3. The food is great for the most part. I have had Korean, Japenese, Tex-Mex, Chinese, and Italian since I have been here and most of it was delicious.
4. I've gotten quite a bit of compliments. I don't know how many are just to be polite, but either way it is sweet.
Negatives:
1. My body is having a hard time adjusting. Let's just say my stomach doesn't always agree that the food is yummy. My allergies are a bit on overkill, but they have calmed down since I first got here.
2. My landlord won't let me hang things on the wall which makes the room feel unbalanced
3. I can't speak the language and feel like a moron 99.9% of the time
4. The city is huge which makes it difficult to navigate at times
Overall, I really love the city I am in! The people are very friendly and I feel safe, which is a relief.
So, in regard to the transitioning process, there are some great things and some frustrating things. I'm going to do what I call the sandwich technique by starting with great things, mentioning frustrating things, and ending on a positive note. It tends to work well.
Anyways, here are some of the positives:
1. I work at with some amazingly cheerful, encouraging, and loving people. The people at my school are just friendly and so far, I really love working there.
2. Most things are cheap. Now, I did hit up IKEA of the other day and that put a huge dent in my pocket, but I am grateful to have been able to get a few things to make my new place feel more homelike.
3. The food is great for the most part. I have had Korean, Japenese, Tex-Mex, Chinese, and Italian since I have been here and most of it was delicious.
4. I've gotten quite a bit of compliments. I don't know how many are just to be polite, but either way it is sweet.
Negatives:
1. My body is having a hard time adjusting. Let's just say my stomach doesn't always agree that the food is yummy. My allergies are a bit on overkill, but they have calmed down since I first got here.
2. My landlord won't let me hang things on the wall which makes the room feel unbalanced
3. I can't speak the language and feel like a moron 99.9% of the time
4. The city is huge which makes it difficult to navigate at times
Overall, I really love the city I am in! The people are very friendly and I feel safe, which is a relief.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Living In a Fish Bowl
PHEW. I thought it was hot living in Columbia, SC with its famous slogan of "famously hot", but Chengdu is a whole different type of hot. I remember checking the weather app for my city prior to departure and seeing numbers ranging from 80-95, but what the app didn't express was what that temperature felt like at 5,000,000% humidity (only a slight exaggeration ;) ). If you want to get the full effect, think about swimming and walking at the same time. I am not use to sweating. Seriously, it took me three days to start sweating in Africa (the hottest place ever) and then I moved hear and can't stop sweating. I wear it like a badge of honor. It's almost like if you aren't sweating there is something wrong with you. It's definitely not a choice, but rather a lifestyle. I hope that eventually my body will adjust and I won't look like the hot mess that I have been, but if not I guess I will need to abide by the rule I tell all my students when they are doing a project: "Dress up the mess up".
And jetlag has officially taken me hostage. WHEW. I mean I feel like an ape half of the day with my knuckles dragging across the ground as I fight to understand all the new information and names being thrown at me from time to time. Not to be totally vulger, but sometimes it feels a bit like I walked past the gorillas as they threw their poo at me. YUCK but seriously. I mean I can't really explain what it feels like but maybe a bit like this:
And jetlag has officially taken me hostage. WHEW. I mean I feel like an ape half of the day with my knuckles dragging across the ground as I fight to understand all the new information and names being thrown at me from time to time. Not to be totally vulger, but sometimes it feels a bit like I walked past the gorillas as they threw their poo at me. YUCK but seriously. I mean I can't really explain what it feels like but maybe a bit like this:
Another way life is like a fish bowl is this idea of being surrounded by a glass barrier. My life is completely transparent. Seriously, I constantly feel stared at, laughed at, watched, and critiqued. However, I have to remember to take myself out of my own head. I don't know what they are thinking, laughing at, whether they are judging or admiring, and in the end, who cares. I stare at people that are different all the time, so who am I to point the finger saying that what is happening is wrong. I just realize that what they think is a western thing might just be that I'm kinda weird and do what I want. He's hoping to not offend and to handle the stares with grace.
A fish bowl also has that barrier between the fish and those observing it. I feel like there is a huge language barrier. Last time I was in China, I was able to manage to get around and shop a bit, but the accent here seems to be completely different or I have completely lost all Mandarin that I had learned because I can't understand anything. I love people, so this has been the most difficult. I love to explore and practice, but instead I just stand there looking like a smiling fool. Gestures have seemed to help, but I am desperately looking forward to the start of language classes. Until then, if you hear of a blonde, white lady pointing and acting things out in giant gestures, then you know who they are referencing :)
Sunday, August 3, 2014
It's the Small Things in life
So, two awesome things happened today (well, many more than that since I was able to meet new friends, get my mobile setup, shop at the market, etc.), but two really amazing things happened today.
First, this morning I was able to attend a fellowship and it was cool to meet so many new people from all over the world. But the coolest thing was that one of the songs that was sung, which isn't very popular, what the song I listened to every night before I headed to bed when I was in China last time. Confirmation. I needed that. After waking up from such a long journey, my heart was heavy and I began to doubt if I was really suppose to work in China. Yes, I am.
Second, I came back to my apartment after a very long day of activities and noticed a shiny silver thing laying on my bathroom floor. I had noticed when I arrived the night before, but I thought it was part of the fancy decor, however, when I was walking past it, I noticed that it wasn't part of the decor but rather a coin. There it was, the smallest coin in Chinese money (similar to a penny in those respects but not monetarily) and I just thought, wow, it's like I was given a Chinese penny. I felt so grateful and reminded that I know I am suppose to teach in China and that I shouldn't let my doubts have power over my certainty. Wow.
As one of my african friends would say (he's religious): "Don't doubt God, doubt your doubts"
First, this morning I was able to attend a fellowship and it was cool to meet so many new people from all over the world. But the coolest thing was that one of the songs that was sung, which isn't very popular, what the song I listened to every night before I headed to bed when I was in China last time. Confirmation. I needed that. After waking up from such a long journey, my heart was heavy and I began to doubt if I was really suppose to work in China. Yes, I am.
Second, I came back to my apartment after a very long day of activities and noticed a shiny silver thing laying on my bathroom floor. I had noticed when I arrived the night before, but I thought it was part of the fancy decor, however, when I was walking past it, I noticed that it wasn't part of the decor but rather a coin. There it was, the smallest coin in Chinese money (similar to a penny in those respects but not monetarily) and I just thought, wow, it's like I was given a Chinese penny. I felt so grateful and reminded that I know I am suppose to teach in China and that I shouldn't let my doubts have power over my certainty. Wow.
As one of my african friends would say (he's religious): "Don't doubt God, doubt your doubts"
Leaving on a Jet Plane
With my bags are packed and my life condensed into two 50lb suitcases and 2 carry-on bags, I began my 30+ hour voyage across the world to my new hometown, Chengdu.
The journey began at 3am as my mom and I headed to the airport two hours away. Both of us are not morning people, but you do what you need to to make a flight. Thankfully there wasn't any traffic (because it was 3am and who in their right mind would be traveling down HW75 at the hour).
First, I found a penny at Starbucks. Ok this doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. Growing up my dad always told me that if you find a penny, then it is God showing you that He's there for you and looking out for you. It's a blessing and reminder. My grandfather had told my dad the same things. So, growing up, it was always really special to find a penny (heads up or tails up…none of that bad luck stuff). Throughout my life, especially in huge transitions, I've always looked down to find a penny. You may be thinking, well, aren't pennies everywhere, but sometimes it was always the strangest places. My favorite was moving into my dorm room freshman year, nervous because I didn't know a soul, didn't have a phone, was 4 hours away from home, didn't have internet, and didn't have a car. As I walked in my dorm room, there it was, a penny sitting in the center of the room with nothing but bare furniture surrounding it. Peace. I was where I was suppose to be. So, finding a lonesome penny at starbucks was a big deal. I knew I was where I was suppose to be.
Things were running smoothly and I was even given the option to check on of my carry-ons at the gate to my final destination (don't mind if I do). This is when things got really interesting. After getting on the flight, I realized that all my important documents (minus my passport and wallet) were on the carry-on that was checked. I'm talking medical documents, diplomas, my life. Then I realized I never put a tag on my bag because I thought it was going to be a carry-on. I just remember texting half of my family and friends for prayers that my bag wouldn't be lost (especially with the change of airlines and the transportation overseas).
I arrived in New York for a 6+ hour layover (which isn't that horrible), but I wasn't able to check into my next flight for another 3 hours. So, I walked around, probably looking tired and lost, and decided to eat lunch and kill some time. After about 30minutes, I decided to head back to wait for the ticket counter to open and find an outlet to charge my phone (since surfing social media seemed to be the most efficient at killing time). I finally found an outlet in a small corner and just waited, calling a few friends for final goodbyes. At 12 I looked up to see the time and the empty ticket counter and then again I looked up at 12:15 I looked up again and the line was nearly wrapped around the building. What the heck? Tickets can't be booked for another 45 minutes! So, I jumped in line, snapped a picture of what just happened, and stood there for the rest of the time until I was able to get to the ticket counter.
I finally made it to the ticket counter and then was told that I was only allowed two bags under but I had three baggage claims (because of the checked carry-on). The lady seemed a bit frustrated and kept saying I could only have two and I kept explaining what happened. The whole time I'm just hoping for favor. She called her boss and then said it was ok. PHEW!
After a few more hours, it was finally time to board the plane. I met a nice guy from China that was very friendly and helped get me where I needed to go and it turned out his wife is from the same province I am heading to! That was kinda cool. We loaded and everything seemed fine, but then we sat in the plane for another 1 1/2 - 2 hours due to traffic control and the weather. I'm just sitting there thinking "my layover in Beijing is only 1hr40min. Holy crap I'm not going to make my flight. I'm going to be stranded, not know the language, and not have a way of contacting people without a tremendous charge." Ms. Negative Nancy over there. I tried to shove those thoughts out remembering that I know I am suppose to be headed to China and that everything will work out. It worked for the most part. I took my seat on the plane by the window and then my seat mates sat down. When I talk about inappropriate public displays of affection, I would expect to find a picture of this couple. I was beyond uncomfortable and spotted an open aisle seat. I went to the bathroom and then upon return, changed seats. The rest of the flight went smooth.
Beijing. We finally arrived. The plane made up some time in the air, but there still was only about 45 minutes to make it to my flights (gates close 10 minutes before the flight leaves). Ok. time to hustle. I quickly get to the Foreigner check-in and wait in a line (probably driving the people around me crazy with my restlessness) and then head on expecting to head right to my gates. Then I went through another security check and waited in line (now I'm down to about 15 minutes until boarding). I grab all of my stuff after it was pulled out of my bag, shove it back in my bookbag, and then head off towards my gate. This felt like the longest trip (especially being exhausted and stressed), but I made it with only two passengers behind me. WHEW. I didn't care that I was a sweaty, hot mess…I was just grateful that I made the flight.
Chengdu. FINALLY. I made it to Chengdu and went to grab my luggage. 1. 2………where's my third one, the one they checked at the gate, the one with all my important documents. Oh no. Round and round it went and my luggage was nowhere to be found (luckily there was another gentleman there who I thought was Chinese but turned out to be an american and the same thing had happened to him). It's not great that his bag was lost as well, but it was nice knowing that I wasn't alone in this jumble. I asked a lady, sent to another lady, instructed to wait for the next plane because mine (and the gentleman's) bags were on that flight (thankfully it was only a 20 minute wait). We were told to wait at the wrong baggage area so we headed to the other area, but I didn't care because at that moment the most glorious thing happened, there was my bag making its way around the conveyer belt. PTL!
It was great seeing familiar faces at the airport and seeing the new apartment, but the greatest thing of all what when my head hit my pillow at 3:30AM (after unpacking my luggage because nobody wants to wake up to that task) 48 hours after the start of my journey. WHEW. But, I'm here. I'm safe. And I'm getting rested.
On the Move
So, I'm off again, but this time, it's for two years. I've been hired to teach in China and I couldn't be more excited! I've never been overseas for longer than 6 weeks at a time, so adjusting to this sort of move will be quite a new adventure!
It's funny the comments you get when people find out you are moving overseas, especially to China. Things like:
CHINA! Why China?
Gosh, what's the time difference there?
You didn't want to work in America?
Are you excited to eat Chinese food?
Are you scared?
You are so brave!
I think a lot of the misconception is the lack of "prior knowledge" as we teachers like to call it. Most people haven't been to China, so they just go based off stereo types. So when I say that I'm moving to China these pictures of rice fields, orphans, government officials, and those pointed cylinder-like hats get jumbled together and create a picture sort of like these:
FALSE…(sidenote: I did love Raiden on Mortal Kombat). Also, rice field workers really do exist, I'm just not one of them (though one of my goals is to visit one for a day).
Anyways…
I will be living in a big city, bigger than the one I visited 8 years ago, but they will look pretty similar (just a couple million people difference...). Here's what it may look like:
See?? Not that different from other cities :)
Since I visited China 8 years ago, I have always wanted to move back and after a very long wait (with a couple degrees thrown in there as well), I am getting a chance to live my dream. Yes, I was able to get a job in America. And yes, I chose to work in China instead.
In regards to being scared, with any huge transition I'm always a little scared, BUT fear doesn't drive my decisions. I can't sit here and say I haven't panicked about getting lost, or missing my flights, or not being able to manage my money well overseas, or a million of things. However, I know that I can always fall back on these truths:
1. I am never alone
2. All my needs have always been met
3. I am a survivor (cue Beyonce)
I am so excited to go, but am not looking forward to such difficult goodbyes. I know that it is a gift to have so many people that are so hard to leave, but I am grateful to live in the day and age where technology bridges locations. Maybe it will help my goodbyes hurt a little less.
It's funny the comments you get when people find out you are moving overseas, especially to China. Things like:
CHINA! Why China?
Gosh, what's the time difference there?
You didn't want to work in America?
Are you excited to eat Chinese food?
Are you scared?
You are so brave!
I think a lot of the misconception is the lack of "prior knowledge" as we teachers like to call it. Most people haven't been to China, so they just go based off stereo types. So when I say that I'm moving to China these pictures of rice fields, orphans, government officials, and those pointed cylinder-like hats get jumbled together and create a picture sort of like these:
FALSE…(sidenote: I did love Raiden on Mortal Kombat). Also, rice field workers really do exist, I'm just not one of them (though one of my goals is to visit one for a day).
Anyways…
I will be living in a big city, bigger than the one I visited 8 years ago, but they will look pretty similar (just a couple million people difference...). Here's what it may look like:
See?? Not that different from other cities :)
Since I visited China 8 years ago, I have always wanted to move back and after a very long wait (with a couple degrees thrown in there as well), I am getting a chance to live my dream. Yes, I was able to get a job in America. And yes, I chose to work in China instead.
In regards to being scared, with any huge transition I'm always a little scared, BUT fear doesn't drive my decisions. I can't sit here and say I haven't panicked about getting lost, or missing my flights, or not being able to manage my money well overseas, or a million of things. However, I know that I can always fall back on these truths:
1. I am never alone
2. All my needs have always been met
3. I am a survivor (cue Beyonce)
I am so excited to go, but am not looking forward to such difficult goodbyes. I know that it is a gift to have so many people that are so hard to leave, but I am grateful to live in the day and age where technology bridges locations. Maybe it will help my goodbyes hurt a little less.
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